wednesday already

I've been having a difficult time keeping up - with the blog, with life. Today was a good day though. Got to see my beloved niece, Cindy. (Check out her kitty tumblr here.) Picked up my Mom for an extended visit. The drive was good - all six hours of it. Except for the parts on Hwy 505 and Bayliss Bluegum Rd where the butterflies were migrating across the road. Hate that. I should teach a course in how to drive while avoiding butterflies and not pissing other drivers off...

taken by Miss J one day from the back seat while I was driving

missing

I've been missing from the blog lately. Not because I want to be. Not because I don't have things to say. Not because anything is wrong. It's because I can't get to my computer.

Miss J has discovered computer games - pet games, beauty games, surgery games - all kinds of games. She can sit in front of the computer for hours - if I let her, which I don't. She's at the computer enough, though, that I have a difficult time getting everything done I need to. She's in the mountains with her Dad right now, so I have the computer to myself.

Everything is okay. Thank you for sticking with me while I figure out some way for both J and me to use the internet.

taken the last time I was in the mountains with J and her Dad

building bridges

I had a session with my energy healer today. I've been feeling frustrated and discouraged, in a few ways, but mostly in my photography business. I went to see her to help me clear whatever is within me that is blocking my growth and enjoyment and success. I won't bore you with details. It was a wonderful session. She is incredible. (Her name is Joyce. You can find her here.)

There is one thing I want to share with you...At one point she looked at me and said I'm energetically not allowing partnership and collaboration. She said I'm on an island and there is no way for anyone else to cross over. I stared at her, blinked a few times, and quietly said, "That's the name of my blog...the island of rose." She smiled and said that I can't be an island anymore.

So I'm building a bridge - an energy bridge, a rainbow bridge. Everyone is invited to my island. Stay a while; stay a long time. All are welcome...

I don't have any photos of bridges - which is kind of ironic in itself. Instead, here's a photo of a driftwood tipi on one of my favorite beaches.

chicken little

My faith in humanity has been rocked. My next-door "neighbor" - by proximity only - is a hunter. Loves to kill things. He is married with two very young sons who are already being taught to kill. He recently got three chickens. I was hoping it was for the eggs. He had the chickens about a week or so. Saturday night my seven-year-old daughter and I were in our back yard visiting with our sick cat when we heard him and his hunting dog in his back yard. The chickens started squawking and we could see him through the cracks in the fence. He was grabbing the chickens by the legs and knocking their heads against a stump then siccing his dog on them. "Come on, boy! Get the birds!" I quickly sent my daughter in the house. I stayed outside and witnessed him and his dog killing the chickens all while the poor chickens squawked and tried to escape the yard. I was in tears and said something to him through the fence. He either didn't hear me or didn't care. I have to admit I didn't want to get too much in his face. I am afraid of him. If there hadn't been a fence there though I would have gotten between him and those chickens in a split second.

I called the county humane society. They aren't available on weekends but I left a detailed message. This morning I received a message from a very nice sounding woman asking me to call back with more information so they could make a report and call on him. I called back. The man who answered began by demanding to know who had given me that number. The call quickly disintegrated as I tried to explain what I had heard and seen. His response was to berate me and accuse me of not knowing what I had seen. I kept trying to explain. He continued to berate and abuse. Finally, through tears, I hung up on him. These are the people around here who are supposed to be promoting the welfare of and protecting the animals. No wonder so many of us work under the radar trying to help the animals on our own.

How in the world did I - someone who loves and respects and does whatever she can to assist the animals - end up next to a man who is happiest when there is animal blood on his hands?

center of cool

No. Not me. I'm definitely not cool. Not in any sense of the word! Summertime has hit early in my little town. We're already in the low 100s and it's expected to get warmer. I finally gave in and turned on the air conditioner today when the inside temp hit 90 degrees.

I'm longing for a cool, calm mountain lake...

Miss J wading in Center Lake, Mt Lassen two summers ago

one of those days

When it is too difficult to

keep swimming, float.

Melody Beattie

It's one of those kind of days. The doors keep slamming shut and I'm desperately looking for another open door - or even a window. Sometimes it's so hard to know when it's time to act and when it's time to just keep the faith. I feel like I'm swimming upstream - with my business, with my health, with my life. It's time to float awhile...

who am i

More Facebook Frustration or Who Am I

The other day, frustrated over my lack of friends on facebook, I added many many new friends who I didn't know - friends of friends I admire, respect, and like. Spiritual-minded friends. My news feed is now filled with enlightening and inspiring art, photographs, and messages. I have to wonder if these incredible people will regret friending me when they find out who I am. I am just a simple woman. I try to lead a spiritual life but know I have far to go and with little money and a young daughter, I tend to be focused on worldly things like sustenance and survival. I sometimes eat meat and refined sugars. I love the frozen food aisle at the grocery store and my home is a mess. I worry more about the state of my wallet than the state of my soul. And I still play with Barbies.

The worst part is now I feel like I have to censor myself on facebook. That somehow my messages must be inspirational and hopeful - whether I feel that way or not. Do I be brave and bare myself to these hundreds of deep thinking, deep feeling people and risk being rejected. Or...I don't know the "or" in this situation. The truth is I only know how to be myself. Barbies and all...

Anatomy

mommy claws

My mommy claws are out. Miss J was going to be in the school talent show with another little girl in her class. They've been talking about it for weeks. The parents had the form for a week. Yesterday was the deadline to turn in the form. No form turned in by the other parents. Now Miss J can’t be in the show.

What’s really got me is Miss J was going to have her first sleepover. She was soooo excited. It was set for this coming Friday. She’s been cancelled. The other little girl got invited to a birthday party for a girl in their class (which J wasn't invited to - another thing to get my claws out over) and cancelled J’s sleepover so she can go to the party. Not even a phone call from the Mom to me explaining the situation. This has all been relayed through the little girls.

I know part of growing up is learning how to face disappointment. And Miss J is soooo disappointed over the situations. It is so hard to stand by and watch the child you love more than the world feel hurt and rejected and sad. How do you help and protect your child while not getting in the way of their growth...

snapshot of Miss J

taken a couple of days ago

facebook, again

Sooooo, business pages on facebook are not all they're cracked up to be, especially with little support from facebook itself. Facebook frustration! I still have the business page here. I will still post photography related "stuff" there. I've also opened a personal account so that I can join groups, search, and find friends on facebook here. If you feel like spreading some love around, please like my business page (please!) or friend me on my personal page. It's lonely out there. Facebook is a big ocean and I'm only a tiny island!

double score

This is a totally superficial post, but...I scored...twice. Friday, J and I went to Kohls to get a nightgown for Grandma Ruth for her birthday. A trip to the store for us never involves just getting what we are there for. J got a sleep shirt and I got a pair of shoes - gold, sparkly high heels. I first noticed them when they were 50-something dollars. Then, when they were in clearance. By last Friday, they had been marked down to $5.99. Yes! Score!

Today I stopped at Target to get a couple of tee shirts. While there, I checked out the clearance racks and wandered over to the shoes. Gorgeous heels I have been coveting on clearance for $11.99 - the last pair. And in my size. Score!

Now, where oh where will I ever wear them! I never dress up these days. Strictly jeans and tees for me. But if I ever have the occasion to, I have a couple great pairs of shoes! Maybe this means there will soon be an occasion. Hmmmm...

ramblin' rose

It's been a long time...sorry. I wish I could say I've been off seeing the world or some other exciting thing, but alas I just have had nothing worth saying. I've been heavily under the influence of the Big D - depression, really for more than a year. I'm feeling better these days, so I'm trying the blog thing again! I'm also losing weight. And attempting to dip my toe back in the social - i.e. dating - pool again. Just a toe. I'm no fool! So, I'm back.

In honor of my tendency either to say nothing or to ramble, here's a photo of the rambling rose in my back yard. I did a photoshop action on the picture called lovely and ethereal. It's beautiful.

shamefaced

Wow...it's been a really looooooong time...I wish I had some exciting reason to give you why I've been gone so long. I have none. My nemesis - the big old bad blues - has been weighing me down for quite some time. My usual method of dealing is to put all my energy into functioning on a daily basis and ignoring all else. I'm back. Such as I am. Hopefully on a regular basis.

Highlights of the last three (!!!) months:
I turned a year older on September 29th. Not wiser, just older.
J had an indoor swim party for her 7th birthday. It was a blast.
Thanksgiving was quiet and good and spent with my beloved J. Thankfully, J's Dad invited me to spend the holiday with them.
J's holiday dance recital just before Christmas. She was magnificent!
My brother almost lost his life due to diabetes just before Christmas. He's doing much better, but is under close supervision.
I reconnected with a very dear, very long-time friend through this blog. Love you, Toni!
Christmas was family-filled and joy-filled.
2013 is here. May we be able to meet its challenges and recognize its blessings.

After the Party

karma sucks

There are some people I know only online. We've never met. We just "talk" through email. I've met them through this blog, through etsy, and through other people. Sometimes we do business together. Sometimes we just chat. Those are my favorite. Sometimes it's a lonely life when you spend hours in front of the computer. (I'm not complaining. I love my life!) But I do get lonely, especially when J's with her Dad. Most are enjoyable and ongoing. Some end abruptly - like in the middle of a conversation. I don't get that. How do you not even say goodbye. 

Recently I have had an ongoing conversation with another photographer. We hit it off immediately. We "talked" everyday, sometimes back and forth for hours. After about two weeks of this, we found out we live near each other. We met for a drink and had a great time - just like online. I thought I had found a new friend...Since we met, he hasn't contacted me. I wrote and got a "been busy" answer. I know a brush off when I experience one. It's cool if he doesn't want to be friends, although I'm not sure why, but wouldn't it be respectful and nice to actually end things. Not just disappear.

So here's where karma comes in. It's obviously a peeve of mine when people just stop writing - or calling, or communicating in any way - without some kind of closure. One of these online relationships is with someone I don't really care for. I've been politely communicating, but I no longer want this person in my life. I'd like to just stop writing!!! Of course, I can't do that. I hate it when people do it to me. So, how do I say goodbye respectfully and nicely? 

tolerance

source unknown

found on the undocumented world of tumblr

I need to try harder to remember this. I swing between extremely tolerant of others to extremely irritated by others. I like myself much better when I'm tolerant and I'm much happier when others are tolerant of me.

yay!!!

Bravo to President Obama for taking a stand on an issue that seems self-evident to me. I await the day when all are treated with equal respect, dignity, and rights. Hope at least the issue of same-sex marriage is settled within my lifetime.

monday madness or things I'm afraid to tell you

There’s a revolution happening in the blog world. Many are feeling frustration between reality and “reality” as presented on blogs. People are tired of hearing about perfect lives, seeing perfect homes, and feeling bad about their own. After reading an article by Jess Constable, Ez at Creature Comforts, along with other bloggers, has created the challenge to share “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.”

I’ve struggled with how open about myself to be on this blog. The early posts were raw and real. I want to live honestly. I’ve stopped sharing the nitty gritty, though, figuring who cares? Now, more often than not on the blog, I focus on beauty and gratitude, because that is how I live my life – always looking for the beauty and the gift. While that is true for my life, the flip side is not pretty or easy.

I can share my art. I can share stories of my daughter. I can share stories of the animals. I can share what touches my soul. I haven’t shared what touches my everyday life.

So, in honor of the bloggers who have bared their souls, I will bare my everyday life to you – and will continue to do so in bits and pieces as I find the courage.

Who am I? In the eyes of the world I am a complete and utter failure. I have never succeeded at anything. I am financially insolvent with huge debt that hangs over my head. I don’t have a “real” job. I am supported by photography work, the sale of photos and also stitchery patterns, public assistance (how I haaaate to admit that), and my extremely generous and kind mother. I am overweight – which has been causing health problems – and at an age no longer considered prime – whatever that means. Every day, to some degree, I deal with depression. Some days I am fully functional. Other days I use every bit of energy I have to mother my daughter and care for our animals. I was born depressed. It wasn’t diagnosed until my early thirties when I almost killed myself. My house is a mess. I dread the possibility of someone dropping by. Oh, and I am well on my way to being the crazy cat lady who lives down the street.

Please, don’t get me wrong. I am not an unhappy or resentful person. I am extremely grateful for everything in my life and everything I lack. I firmly believe that when we give something up, we gain something in return. I am incredibly blessed. The Universe has never failed to take care of me – through my mother, through friends, through the government, through miracles. I strive to be financially solvent and self-sufficient. I accept what I need. Humbly – and honestly, with shame. I am extremely spiritual, though not religious. I believe my journey has a purpose – though I’ve yet to discover it! I try to walk gently upon the Earth and live simply and with gratitude. In my heart, I am just who I am.

Thank you for reading this. If you’ve gotten this far, kudos to you! It is so much easier to be real than to pretend. Thank you.

it's over

Turn your face to the sun,

and the shadows fall behind you.

Maori Proverb

The trial is finally over. It was horrific...a murder case where the body was burned in order to hide the shooting death...horrific. The trial and jury process has changed me in ways I have yet to fathom. I am so, so glad to be back to my simple life where gangs and guns and death and destruction are not part of everyday life. I am so blessed to be able to live simply and joyfully. I have to trust in the Universe that this experience serves some higher purpose. There was one bright benefit, though. My fellow jurors are a wonderful group of people. It was a pleasure to get to know them.

beautiful day

What a beautiful day. The almond trees are in bloom. The sun was shining. The doors and windows could be open till evening. The kitties got to snooze in the sun. I got to take a couple of hours to sit outside and read, with Graycee curled napping in my lap. A truly lovely day. If only J were with me, it would have been perfect. Still, pretty close to perfect.

baby baby baby

I miss my baby. Okay, she's not a baby anymore. She's six. And I'll see her tomorrow. I still miss her - and, I admit, sometimes I miss the time when she was a baby.

passion

I seem to have lost my passion - for everything. I still feel awed by the beauty around me, but it doesn't lift my spirit. I haven't taken a photo in weeks - maybe longer. Nothing speaks to me. I feel completely disconnected from myself.

Me - a long, long, long time ago.

Ironically, I still play with Barbies,

although we no longer wear matching outfits.