evolution...

...of a gift. Or, perhaps, more accurately, a journey of stupidity...

Friday, the 25th, T had a "0" birthday. You know, one of those - thirty, forty, fifty... After T suddenly, unexpectedly, and without explanation dropped out of my life a couple of months ago, I wasn't sure what I should do about his birthday. I held no ill will toward him. Well, other than a wee bit of hatred, but nothing that would stop me from wanting to note his birthday in some way.

At first, I was going to put together a mind-body-soul gift. I like to give in three parts. For him - a letterpress Aries print (mind), a baseball cap with Nascar logo (body), and a red agate sphere (soul).

I intended to go through with this, mailing it to him, for a few weeks. Then, as time passed, I decided that it was really too much for someone who had treated me very badly. Not to mention a little stalkerish. I decided to design and print a card for him inspired by the Aries print above. My little girl and I have one or both been sick for the past six weeks or so - I've lost count - and I didn't have much time to put it together. This was my intention up till last weekend, when J had been well for a few days - before she caught a cold which turned into pneumonia this past week. As I sat at my computer a week ago to design the card, it hit me how stupid I was acting. Why should I take time away from my own projects and those waiting to be done for others, to make and give a very special card to someone who is a virtual stranger at this point.

I sent an email on his birthday. I know, I'm an idiot.

You can delete someone's contact information from your phone.

You can delete their email address from your computer.

You can delete their voice mails and emails.

How do you delete someone from your memories and your heart...

if...

...I were still friends with a certain someone whose birthday is coming up in the end of March, this might be part of his birthday gift.

here

from MursBlanc

not just a river in Egypt

"It's always very difficult to accept the truth about people.

Especially about people that we love. Denying it doesn't make it go away."

CSI All That Cremains

The Universe is a strange and awesome place...I have been feeling especially sad for the last three days over T missing from my life. It seems I miss him more now that he is gone than wanted him when he was around. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder - probably because the object of affection isn't around to irritate you.

I did get in touch with him three days after he cut contact. I asked if this was his way of ending our relationship. He insisted no, no, no. He had family things to deal with and was feeling lost and trying to mend. Don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds like something one might say to get someone off your back who you didn't want to hurt. Although I don't see any purpose in outright denying the relationship was over. So for the past week-and-a-half, I haven't known what to think. Do I move on or hang on? Back and forth. Back and forth. Angry and sad. Angry and sad. Back and forth. I just want to know where he's at in his head. For some reason I need closure from him to move on. I don't know why. It's not like it would ever be okay to have someone in my life (or potentially in my daughter's) that would just disappear without word or warning. For whatever reason, I just can't let go. I've always hated good-byes, but I would at least like the chance to say it...

I've received a trio of messages (maybe more) from the big U about the situation. We get messages all the time - most of which we ignore or miss.

A few days ago I was browsing through blogs and felt like I needed to check out the AstroTwins. I only read them occassionally and haven't in a while. For some reason I went all the way to the website and read my monthly horoscope. Then I read T's. Why? I read this in his monthly horoscope:

"....it will take your mind off that ex who’s crept back into your consciousness (or your bed) recently."

The day before yesterday, for the first time in a couple of months, I received a text message from bb's "other" girlfriend. Again, accusing me of harboring him and keeping them apart. I texted back, "no see. no hear. no care." And, happily, realized I really don't care anymore. The text, however, left me feeling raw. It reminded me of how hurt I felt over the whole situation. And, it reminded me about the situation - that I had no idea (or rather, refused to admit to myself) that there was "another" girlfriend.

Tonight, I checked out the Le Love blog. The writer was a very young woman. I was amazed at her resilience and wisdom. Her story was about how she had fallen in love and he suddenly disappeared. No phone, no email, no nothing. She ran into him on the street a while after and he passed her by without acknowledgment. She was confused over the whole situation. Then, a short time later she saw him again - with his pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea there was anyone else in his life.

It finally hit me. I wrote T an email but then thought, why? I've been writing emails and he never answers them. So, I called. Of course, he didn't answer. (This was the guy who always said, you can call me anytime. I always have my phone next to me.) I left a message. Essentially saying, please just let me know what's going on. If there's someone else, just tell me. If you don't want to be friends anymore, just tell me. Just tell me...I realize the answer is obvious, yet I still want to hear it. I doubt very much I'll hear back.

Why do I feel so sad over missing someone who would treat me this way? I know I deserve better. No one deserves it.

I just can't trust myself anymore. Have I always been so clueless about people?



From the Le Love post:

"Now, I am fine. I decided that if he doesn't want me in his life, then I don't need him in my world as well. First I wanted to forget about him, but then I decided that I will keep the wonderful moments we had locked up in my heart. When I need it, I will unlock them and remember what we used to have, but then I will keep them locked up nice and safe in my heart again and never think about him. "