just a toe in

I dipped my toe into the pool of dating again. I don't know what I was thinking. Last time I jumped in and found myself beaten and bitten by sharks. It was painful. I retreated back into my simple life, swearing I'd never put myself in that position again. Now, I'm stronger and wiser. I thought I was in a better place. And who wants to be alone ALL THE TIME. Well, not all the time. You know what I mean. So I dipped my toe in...and got it stomped on. Not once, but twice. My ego is bruised. I just don't fit in. Why is it so hard to find a man who is respectful and kind. I'm respectful and kind - well, I have my moments. Why choose to be mean when you can so easily be nice? So it's back to my simple - and single - life.

Barbie & Ken - Dating

not just a river in Egypt

"It's always very difficult to accept the truth about people.

Especially about people that we love. Denying it doesn't make it go away."

CSI All That Cremains

The Universe is a strange and awesome place...I have been feeling especially sad for the last three days over T missing from my life. It seems I miss him more now that he is gone than wanted him when he was around. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder - probably because the object of affection isn't around to irritate you.

I did get in touch with him three days after he cut contact. I asked if this was his way of ending our relationship. He insisted no, no, no. He had family things to deal with and was feeling lost and trying to mend. Don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds like something one might say to get someone off your back who you didn't want to hurt. Although I don't see any purpose in outright denying the relationship was over. So for the past week-and-a-half, I haven't known what to think. Do I move on or hang on? Back and forth. Back and forth. Angry and sad. Angry and sad. Back and forth. I just want to know where he's at in his head. For some reason I need closure from him to move on. I don't know why. It's not like it would ever be okay to have someone in my life (or potentially in my daughter's) that would just disappear without word or warning. For whatever reason, I just can't let go. I've always hated good-byes, but I would at least like the chance to say it...

I've received a trio of messages (maybe more) from the big U about the situation. We get messages all the time - most of which we ignore or miss.

A few days ago I was browsing through blogs and felt like I needed to check out the AstroTwins. I only read them occassionally and haven't in a while. For some reason I went all the way to the website and read my monthly horoscope. Then I read T's. Why? I read this in his monthly horoscope:

"....it will take your mind off that ex who’s crept back into your consciousness (or your bed) recently."

The day before yesterday, for the first time in a couple of months, I received a text message from bb's "other" girlfriend. Again, accusing me of harboring him and keeping them apart. I texted back, "no see. no hear. no care." And, happily, realized I really don't care anymore. The text, however, left me feeling raw. It reminded me of how hurt I felt over the whole situation. And, it reminded me about the situation - that I had no idea (or rather, refused to admit to myself) that there was "another" girlfriend.

Tonight, I checked out the Le Love blog. The writer was a very young woman. I was amazed at her resilience and wisdom. Her story was about how she had fallen in love and he suddenly disappeared. No phone, no email, no nothing. She ran into him on the street a while after and he passed her by without acknowledgment. She was confused over the whole situation. Then, a short time later she saw him again - with his pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea there was anyone else in his life.

It finally hit me. I wrote T an email but then thought, why? I've been writing emails and he never answers them. So, I called. Of course, he didn't answer. (This was the guy who always said, you can call me anytime. I always have my phone next to me.) I left a message. Essentially saying, please just let me know what's going on. If there's someone else, just tell me. If you don't want to be friends anymore, just tell me. Just tell me...I realize the answer is obvious, yet I still want to hear it. I doubt very much I'll hear back.

Why do I feel so sad over missing someone who would treat me this way? I know I deserve better. No one deserves it.

I just can't trust myself anymore. Have I always been so clueless about people?



From the Le Love post:

"Now, I am fine. I decided that if he doesn't want me in his life, then I don't need him in my world as well. First I wanted to forget about him, but then I decided that I will keep the wonderful moments we had locked up in my heart. When I need it, I will unlock them and remember what we used to have, but then I will keep them locked up nice and safe in my heart again and never think about him. "

letting go

There's been a man on the island for a while now. He followed me back from the mainland one day. He made it by sheer will and stayed the same way. I kept him to the beach - trying to learn from past mistakes - kept him from J and our inner sanctum. He built a fortress on the sand, promising to protect J and I from all harm. A war hero, he presented himself as honorable, respectful, and kind-hearted. I enjoyed his company - a lot. Began to believe in him. Went to the beach to meet him a few evenings ago...he was gone. I was worried. He didn't seem like the type of man to disappear in the night without a word. After three days, I found a way to contact him. He gave me a sad story about being adrift and lost and that he was trying to find his way back. Uh huh.

I don't believe him. It doesn't ring true. And even if it is true, there is no way I will let a man who is unreliable and randomly unavailable emotionally anywhere near my daughter. She already has a father like that.

I don't believe him. I don't believe in him. Yet, I miss him. And worse, I still hope.

The fortress he built still stands. I am seriously considering taking it apart piece by piece and having a huge bonfire on the beach.

redirection

This is how I feel today ... withered, faded, old, sagging ... 

My ego is in charge today. My soul is crying. I feel ugly and rejected. Total ego.

The question I have asked myself and have no answer for is: Why do I feel rejected. Yes, I have placed myself in a situation where I am being judged first and foremost on my looks. I have lost that contest before I even started. And, yes, I am being rejected on that basis continually and in large numbers! So, what else is new? I know who I am. I know how I got here. I know where I am going. Kind of. And, not everyone is rejecting me - both in this situation and in my life. So, why do I focus on the rejection instead of the acceptance? Why do I value the opinions and feelings of those who reject me more than the ones who accept and embrace me? I am pretty much a glass-half-full type of person. Why not in the face of rejection?

The angels, of Ann & the Angels, say rejection is just redirection. So, if today I am focused on rejection, what new direction do I need to take?

where oh where

Last week there were men buzzing around the island like flies. Not sure what they all wanted, but it was fun having them around. This week, not a one in sight. Where'd they all go...