wanting

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see my baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is...
You

All I Want for Christmas is You

Mariah Carey

wrapping up

I began wrapping J's Christmas gifts tonight. As I was putting her pink biker jacket in the gift bag, A wave of hatred washed over me remembering when I bought it. It was during our epic trip to Kentucky. On the way back - possibly in Arkansas but I can't remember -  in one of the many truck stops we visited, were these adorable children's biker jackets. Not leather and made in China, but still adorable and affordable. I bought a pink one for J. You bought a black one for your son. Well, actually, I bought it, along with a remote control camaro and a monster truck - for the boys. For your son and his brothers for Christmas. The six year old, the five year old, and the two year old - Terry, Mike, and Andy. Damn if you can't think quick on your feet. Of course, there is no Terry, Mike, or Andy. You have no son. The entire story you told me, my mother, your sister and her family, and your 84-year-old grandmother who raised you was a lie. Why? Why? Why tell your family? Did you think you'd get money from them for your son. I can kind of see why you might tell me. That way I wouldn't question when you went to Sacramento to visit your "son" - in actuality to visit your "other" girlfriend and get high with her on crank. But why your family in Kentucky? And why buy the gifts. The girlfriend's sons are much older than that. So it was a complete waste. I don't understand any of it. And now you have disappeared again. This time not just out of my and my daughter's life, but also the "other" girlfriend's and her sons lives. What woman are you preying on now? Please, please, don't let her have children whose hearts you will break along with her's. Please.

release

I don't know why I haven't been doing this all my life. It's not like no one has ever told me about it. I just always figured I knew what would work best for me. Hah! After bb left the island the first time and I was curled up in a ball on the floor crying my eyes out in grief, I had a session with my friend and energy healer, Joyce. A beautiful and amazing and magical woman. She finally convinced me to write a letter and burn it. Release. Release. Release. Desperate for any solution which would help bring me back to center, I went home and wrote and wrote and wrote out all my sorrow and grief and disappointment. Then I burned the letter. I had more trouble getting that letter to burn. I think I lost the power of the release in the frustration of getting it to burn! But finally it did burn to ashes. I little bit later I realized I felt better. Not great, but better. Then I started to feel angry - really, really angry. So I wrote another letter. Over the course of the next couple of weeks I wrote at least one letter a day. Most to bb, but not all. It is amazing how cathargic the process and ceremony is.

Tonight I wrote another letter to bb - this time when he left the island he not only took my heart, but also my self-respect. Probably won't be my last letter to him. I was going to write a blog post instead of the letter and then thought better of it. I didn't need to release all that bile and fear and sadness into the world. I began the letter in anger which turned into tears and ended in laughter. For the gift rained down on me and into my heart: we are old friends from many lifetimes and this is just one more twist in the journey. All's well - if I can hold onto the gift!

Graycee and I went outside in the rain and found my burning bowl. Brought it up to the porch and performed the ritual. There is something extra-powerful and special about having a cat weaving around your legs, adding his love and wisdom and strength. It wasn't until I was back inside the warm house that I realized that the matches I always use for the ritual are housed in a tin with the word LOVE engraved in it. How appropriate is that!!!

desperado

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

You been out ridin' fences for so long now

Oh, you're a hard one

I know that you got your reasons

These things that are pleasin' you

Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy

She'll beat you if she's able

You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things

Have been laid upon your table

But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger

Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home

And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'

Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?

The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine

It's hard to tell the night time from the day

You're losin' all your highs and lows

Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?

Come down from your fences, open the gate

It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you

You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

Desperado

The Eagles

Good bye, bb. It's been quite a ride. Although I wish I had my money back, and my self-respect, and an un-broken heart ... I am grateful for our time together. Be well.