blue

I feel like I just lost one of my best friends. Oh, wait. I did.

it's been a long long time

It's time to get back
To the island of rose
Just me and the Animals
The Earth and the Sky
Let people play their games
Let people be selfish
It's time to get back
To the island of rose

goodbye

Last Friday morning, I had the opportunity to visit a beautiful lady and photograph her lovely animal family. The purpose of the visit was to photograph her beloved horse, Yogi, who sadly had to be put down this morning. It was a bittersweet experience. The horse - as well as her other animals - was sweet beyond measure. I feel so honored to have been invited to photograph this majestic and graceful creature in his last days.

Thank you for your life and death, blessed Yogi. Bless you on your way.

cat saturday

It's a very sad Saturday for me. My beloved Rose passed away today. Her poor little body couldn't fight the cancer that plagued her anymore. I've had many many cats - all with different personalities. Rose was by far the sweetest cat that ever graced my life.

Thank you for the past 13 years, my sweet. Thank you for your life and your death. Bless you on your way.

goodbye

My dear dear feline friend, Graycee, passed away this morning. He has been suffering and slowly declining for weeks. The vet couldn't seem to do anything to help. I couldn't do anything to help except give him lots of love and attention. He drew his last breaths this morning as I knelt beside him. Miss J and I buried him with food, a blue jay feather, and one of J's crystals from the mountains. He's resting under the oleander where he liked to bathe in the morning sun. We are greatly saddened by our loss. We will miss him so much.

Thank you for your life and death, precious Graycee. Bless you on your way.

chicken little

My faith in humanity has been rocked. My next-door "neighbor" - by proximity only - is a hunter. Loves to kill things. He is married with two very young sons who are already being taught to kill. He recently got three chickens. I was hoping it was for the eggs. He had the chickens about a week or so. Saturday night my seven-year-old daughter and I were in our back yard visiting with our sick cat when we heard him and his hunting dog in his back yard. The chickens started squawking and we could see him through the cracks in the fence. He was grabbing the chickens by the legs and knocking their heads against a stump then siccing his dog on them. "Come on, boy! Get the birds!" I quickly sent my daughter in the house. I stayed outside and witnessed him and his dog killing the chickens all while the poor chickens squawked and tried to escape the yard. I was in tears and said something to him through the fence. He either didn't hear me or didn't care. I have to admit I didn't want to get too much in his face. I am afraid of him. If there hadn't been a fence there though I would have gotten between him and those chickens in a split second.

I called the county humane society. They aren't available on weekends but I left a detailed message. This morning I received a message from a very nice sounding woman asking me to call back with more information so they could make a report and call on him. I called back. The man who answered began by demanding to know who had given me that number. The call quickly disintegrated as I tried to explain what I had heard and seen. His response was to berate me and accuse me of not knowing what I had seen. I kept trying to explain. He continued to berate and abuse. Finally, through tears, I hung up on him. These are the people around here who are supposed to be promoting the welfare of and protecting the animals. No wonder so many of us work under the radar trying to help the animals on our own.

How in the world did I - someone who loves and respects and does whatever she can to assist the animals - end up next to a man who is happiest when there is animal blood on his hands?

besom

For the last couple of days, I've been preparing a post about needing to cry and the cat who always made me cry when I was holding it back. She's been dead for years and I haven't done the post yet because I've been trying to find a particular photo of her in my archives. Life has a way of interrupting plans. This morning I opened the front gate and found a dead cat lying in the path. It was one of the strays I have been trying to win over so I could get him neutered. He was a tiny silver and grey tabby. I called him Besom. I noticed about a week ago, he stopped coming around. When I went looking and found him, I could tell he was sick. I tried wooing him. I tried trapping him. But I just couldn't catch him. He died outside my door sometime last night. I'm so grateful he came to me at the last. I was finally able to touch him and stroke him. I gave him a burial in my backyard. I have no pictures of him. He would never get close enough. I will never forget him. 

A feather, rock, and two hibiscus flowers

buried with Besom

along with a handful of food for the journey.

later

frankie

Taking a break. Be back in a week - hopefully. Be well.

done

"There are years that ask questions

and years that answer."

Zora Neale Hurston

Their Eyes Were Watching God

Within those years that ask questions, there are days when you think you just can't go on one minute more. Today is one of those days.

too sad for words

Beautiful, precious Joy. We love you so.

We are devastated by our loss.

evolution...

...of a gift. Or, perhaps, more accurately, a journey of stupidity...

Friday, the 25th, T had a "0" birthday. You know, one of those - thirty, forty, fifty... After T suddenly, unexpectedly, and without explanation dropped out of my life a couple of months ago, I wasn't sure what I should do about his birthday. I held no ill will toward him. Well, other than a wee bit of hatred, but nothing that would stop me from wanting to note his birthday in some way.

At first, I was going to put together a mind-body-soul gift. I like to give in three parts. For him - a letterpress Aries print (mind), a baseball cap with Nascar logo (body), and a red agate sphere (soul).

I intended to go through with this, mailing it to him, for a few weeks. Then, as time passed, I decided that it was really too much for someone who had treated me very badly. Not to mention a little stalkerish. I decided to design and print a card for him inspired by the Aries print above. My little girl and I have one or both been sick for the past six weeks or so - I've lost count - and I didn't have much time to put it together. This was my intention up till last weekend, when J had been well for a few days - before she caught a cold which turned into pneumonia this past week. As I sat at my computer a week ago to design the card, it hit me how stupid I was acting. Why should I take time away from my own projects and those waiting to be done for others, to make and give a very special card to someone who is a virtual stranger at this point.

I sent an email on his birthday. I know, I'm an idiot.

You can delete someone's contact information from your phone.

You can delete their email address from your computer.

You can delete their voice mails and emails.

How do you delete someone from your memories and your heart...

the greatest gift

I've been writing recently of having lost connection with myself - of losing sight of who I am. Tonight a precious little orange tabby gave her life to remind me.

I've been sick all weekend but wanted J to have balloons on Valentine's day. Tonight I drove along the rural road that travels between almond orchards and connects my little town to the next larger town. On the way, I passed a cat lying in the road who had been hit by a car and left. I didn't see her get hit, but as I passed I saw her leg shaking and knew she was still alive. I turned around and pulled over. Dodging traffic, I picked her up and layed her by the side of the road. She was still alive, but barely. Half her face was missing and I knew finding a vet for her would be useless. So I sat in the dirt with her, between the road and the orchard, while she died. I told her what had happened to her and said it was time to let go. I asked her angels and guides to be with her as she transitioned. I pet her, and spoke to her, and sang to her, and cried over her. I tried to give her the comfort and love at her death that she never had in her life. At one point I swore I could feel the vibration of her purr under my hand. It might have only been my imagination. After there was no more breath in her, I picked her up, carried her to my car, and lay her in the trunk. I drove home and carried her to the back shed where she will be safe until I can give her a burial tomorrow. Then I went into the house, washed the blood from my hands and arms, and drove into town to get balloons for J so she will wake up to love and light and joy.

Let this be my epitaph. This is who I am.

9 Lives

ashes to ashes

Everyone in the area - very agricultural - is burning this weekend. The air is hazy and heavy. Although the weather is gorgeous - sunny, warm, with a light breeze. I decided to join in with a daytime burn of my own. Tried writing a letter to burn last night and this morning, but was just too weak from this cold-thing I have to hold the pen. While transfering laundry from the washer to the dryer - when you're a mom it doesn't matter how you're feeling, the chores still have to be done - I was shaking out the clothes so they wouldn't get too wrinkled, like T had taught me. The anger came back. It's been two weeks of silence - nothing from him, doesn't answer when I call, doesn't call back, no response to e-mails. It's not like I'm stalking him or leaving sad sack messages. I just would like to hear from him that he's okay and what exactly is going on. It does not settle with me to be told how much he cares for me and then two hours later be cut out of his life. "Sweetheart, I'll call you back in fifteen minutes...." If nothing else, it is extremely disrespectful to leave anyone hanging. Doesn't matter. I wrote my letter. One of letting go and release. No more. Burn.

 Let go. Let go. Let go.

Release. Release. Release.

not just a river in Egypt

"It's always very difficult to accept the truth about people.

Especially about people that we love. Denying it doesn't make it go away."

CSI All That Cremains

The Universe is a strange and awesome place...I have been feeling especially sad for the last three days over T missing from my life. It seems I miss him more now that he is gone than wanted him when he was around. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder - probably because the object of affection isn't around to irritate you.

I did get in touch with him three days after he cut contact. I asked if this was his way of ending our relationship. He insisted no, no, no. He had family things to deal with and was feeling lost and trying to mend. Don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds like something one might say to get someone off your back who you didn't want to hurt. Although I don't see any purpose in outright denying the relationship was over. So for the past week-and-a-half, I haven't known what to think. Do I move on or hang on? Back and forth. Back and forth. Angry and sad. Angry and sad. Back and forth. I just want to know where he's at in his head. For some reason I need closure from him to move on. I don't know why. It's not like it would ever be okay to have someone in my life (or potentially in my daughter's) that would just disappear without word or warning. For whatever reason, I just can't let go. I've always hated good-byes, but I would at least like the chance to say it...

I've received a trio of messages (maybe more) from the big U about the situation. We get messages all the time - most of which we ignore or miss.

A few days ago I was browsing through blogs and felt like I needed to check out the AstroTwins. I only read them occassionally and haven't in a while. For some reason I went all the way to the website and read my monthly horoscope. Then I read T's. Why? I read this in his monthly horoscope:

"....it will take your mind off that ex who’s crept back into your consciousness (or your bed) recently."

The day before yesterday, for the first time in a couple of months, I received a text message from bb's "other" girlfriend. Again, accusing me of harboring him and keeping them apart. I texted back, "no see. no hear. no care." And, happily, realized I really don't care anymore. The text, however, left me feeling raw. It reminded me of how hurt I felt over the whole situation. And, it reminded me about the situation - that I had no idea (or rather, refused to admit to myself) that there was "another" girlfriend.

Tonight, I checked out the Le Love blog. The writer was a very young woman. I was amazed at her resilience and wisdom. Her story was about how she had fallen in love and he suddenly disappeared. No phone, no email, no nothing. She ran into him on the street a while after and he passed her by without acknowledgment. She was confused over the whole situation. Then, a short time later she saw him again - with his pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea there was anyone else in his life.

It finally hit me. I wrote T an email but then thought, why? I've been writing emails and he never answers them. So, I called. Of course, he didn't answer. (This was the guy who always said, you can call me anytime. I always have my phone next to me.) I left a message. Essentially saying, please just let me know what's going on. If there's someone else, just tell me. If you don't want to be friends anymore, just tell me. Just tell me...I realize the answer is obvious, yet I still want to hear it. I doubt very much I'll hear back.

Why do I feel so sad over missing someone who would treat me this way? I know I deserve better. No one deserves it.

I just can't trust myself anymore. Have I always been so clueless about people?



From the Le Love post:

"Now, I am fine. I decided that if he doesn't want me in his life, then I don't need him in my world as well. First I wanted to forget about him, but then I decided that I will keep the wonderful moments we had locked up in my heart. When I need it, I will unlock them and remember what we used to have, but then I will keep them locked up nice and safe in my heart again and never think about him. "

fly

I've been away

From home for so long
That I almost forgot where I belong

I'm just a girl
With a dream
That got the best of me
....
Got out of touch
With the ones who gave me my wings
To fly To fly

It's so easy to forget
What really matters in this life
It's so hard to live with regrets
But I promise I will try
To be a better me
Just a Girl

Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus)

gone

"All the privilege I claim for my own sex

(it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it),

is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone."

Jane Austen

Persuasion

Why is it that we often don't know how special and precious something is until it's gone.

burning question

I'm back to writing and burning letters. For the last couple of weeks, I have been holding onto my anger - wrapping it around me like a blanket of protection. Without the anger, I was afraid I would crumble into a ball of sorrow. I am no longer in danger of crumbling. I have been shored up. I am still angry, though. I feel in so many cases lately, I have been tossed around like a ragdoll on the whims of men's egos. So many hurts. Of course, I've let them do it to me. No more.

Tonight I wrote a letter to T. He is the man who came to and stayed on the island by sheer will. He is the man who promised to protect us and stand by our side through thick and thin. He is the man who disappeared in the night without a word.

I surprised myself. Didn't quite realize just how much hurt and disappointment was within me. Ended up writing three pages. That's quite a bit of venom. Burned the letter in my bowl, on the back porch, with Giovanni and Joy watching through the screen. It was quite a show.

I was down to the last match in my tin. I never expected I would be using the last match on T.

Be well, T. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute with you. I hope you find what you are looking for.

letting go

There's been a man on the island for a while now. He followed me back from the mainland one day. He made it by sheer will and stayed the same way. I kept him to the beach - trying to learn from past mistakes - kept him from J and our inner sanctum. He built a fortress on the sand, promising to protect J and I from all harm. A war hero, he presented himself as honorable, respectful, and kind-hearted. I enjoyed his company - a lot. Began to believe in him. Went to the beach to meet him a few evenings ago...he was gone. I was worried. He didn't seem like the type of man to disappear in the night without a word. After three days, I found a way to contact him. He gave me a sad story about being adrift and lost and that he was trying to find his way back. Uh huh.

I don't believe him. It doesn't ring true. And even if it is true, there is no way I will let a man who is unreliable and randomly unavailable emotionally anywhere near my daughter. She already has a father like that.

I don't believe him. I don't believe in him. Yet, I miss him. And worse, I still hope.

The fortress he built still stands. I am seriously considering taking it apart piece by piece and having a huge bonfire on the beach.

up and then crashing down

No photo today. No nothing. I tried to tie up loose ends today. I attempted to step into my own power and live authentically and with integrity. I made amends where I had been inconsiderate. I spoke my truth honestly and hopefully kindly to a couple of others who I felt treated me unfairly. I tried to settle things with my landlord and ex - who are one in the same person. We still have no formal parenting agreement and now he's demanding more in terms of the house...it doesn't matter....

The truth is I have offered friendship and been rejected. I have offered love and been rejected. I have offered my art and been rejected. I have offered compromise and been rejected and attacked and belittled.

What is wrong with me...

faded

Okay. Today the bad guys won. I give.
You beat me. You pummeled me. You broke me.
Congratulations.

Look out for tomorrow...