it's been a long long time

It's time to get back
To the island of rose
Just me and the Animals
The Earth and the Sky
Let people play their games
Let people be selfish
It's time to get back
To the island of rose

couldn't have said it better myself

While surfing the great white wave of the internet, I came across this piece about depression. Filled with genuineness and humor and sadness - because you can't talk about depression without the sadness - the post is a wonderful, heartfelt look at the progression of going down and coming back up. Please, read it. It will make you laugh; it might make you cry. If you've never been in the grasp of depression, it might help you understand what experiencing depression feels like. If you have been in depression's grasp - or are now - it might make you feel not so quite alone. Please, read it. Here.

ramblin' rose

It's been a long time...sorry. I wish I could say I've been off seeing the world or some other exciting thing, but alas I just have had nothing worth saying. I've been heavily under the influence of the Big D - depression, really for more than a year. I'm feeling better these days, so I'm trying the blog thing again! I'm also losing weight. And attempting to dip my toe back in the social - i.e. dating - pool again. Just a toe. I'm no fool! So, I'm back.

In honor of my tendency either to say nothing or to ramble, here's a photo of the rambling rose in my back yard. I did a photoshop action on the picture called lovely and ethereal. It's beautiful.

shamefaced

Wow...it's been a really looooooong time...I wish I had some exciting reason to give you why I've been gone so long. I have none. My nemesis - the big old bad blues - has been weighing me down for quite some time. My usual method of dealing is to put all my energy into functioning on a daily basis and ignoring all else. I'm back. Such as I am. Hopefully on a regular basis.

Highlights of the last three (!!!) months:
I turned a year older on September 29th. Not wiser, just older.
J had an indoor swim party for her 7th birthday. It was a blast.
Thanksgiving was quiet and good and spent with my beloved J. Thankfully, J's Dad invited me to spend the holiday with them.
J's holiday dance recital just before Christmas. She was magnificent!
My brother almost lost his life due to diabetes just before Christmas. He's doing much better, but is under close supervision.
I reconnected with a very dear, very long-time friend through this blog. Love you, Toni!
Christmas was family-filled and joy-filled.
2013 is here. May we be able to meet its challenges and recognize its blessings.

After the Party

monday madness or things I'm afraid to tell you

There’s a revolution happening in the blog world. Many are feeling frustration between reality and “reality” as presented on blogs. People are tired of hearing about perfect lives, seeing perfect homes, and feeling bad about their own. After reading an article by Jess Constable, Ez at Creature Comforts, along with other bloggers, has created the challenge to share “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.”

I’ve struggled with how open about myself to be on this blog. The early posts were raw and real. I want to live honestly. I’ve stopped sharing the nitty gritty, though, figuring who cares? Now, more often than not on the blog, I focus on beauty and gratitude, because that is how I live my life – always looking for the beauty and the gift. While that is true for my life, the flip side is not pretty or easy.

I can share my art. I can share stories of my daughter. I can share stories of the animals. I can share what touches my soul. I haven’t shared what touches my everyday life.

So, in honor of the bloggers who have bared their souls, I will bare my everyday life to you – and will continue to do so in bits and pieces as I find the courage.

Who am I? In the eyes of the world I am a complete and utter failure. I have never succeeded at anything. I am financially insolvent with huge debt that hangs over my head. I don’t have a “real” job. I am supported by photography work, the sale of photos and also stitchery patterns, public assistance (how I haaaate to admit that), and my extremely generous and kind mother. I am overweight – which has been causing health problems – and at an age no longer considered prime – whatever that means. Every day, to some degree, I deal with depression. Some days I am fully functional. Other days I use every bit of energy I have to mother my daughter and care for our animals. I was born depressed. It wasn’t diagnosed until my early thirties when I almost killed myself. My house is a mess. I dread the possibility of someone dropping by. Oh, and I am well on my way to being the crazy cat lady who lives down the street.

Please, don’t get me wrong. I am not an unhappy or resentful person. I am extremely grateful for everything in my life and everything I lack. I firmly believe that when we give something up, we gain something in return. I am incredibly blessed. The Universe has never failed to take care of me – through my mother, through friends, through the government, through miracles. I strive to be financially solvent and self-sufficient. I accept what I need. Humbly – and honestly, with shame. I am extremely spiritual, though not religious. I believe my journey has a purpose – though I’ve yet to discover it! I try to walk gently upon the Earth and live simply and with gratitude. In my heart, I am just who I am.

Thank you for reading this. If you’ve gotten this far, kudos to you! It is so much easier to be real than to pretend. Thank you.

passion

I seem to have lost my passion - for everything. I still feel awed by the beauty around me, but it doesn't lift my spirit. I haven't taken a photo in weeks - maybe longer. Nothing speaks to me. I feel completely disconnected from myself.

Me - a long, long, long time ago.

Ironically, I still play with Barbies,

although we no longer wear matching outfits.

Saturday

Feeling too beat up for words today - still aware of all the gifts in my life and ever so grateful for every moment - still...can't seem to stop crying over every little thing... So, just a photo today of precious Geoffrey - a stray that use to come around my Mom's house when I lived there. HE had a rough life, yet there was so much love in him...

done

"There are years that ask questions

and years that answer."

Zora Neale Hurston

Their Eyes Were Watching God

Within those years that ask questions, there are days when you think you just can't go on one minute more. Today is one of those days.

down and out

from 100 Abandoned Houses

by Kevin Bauman

A photo project of 100 abandoned houses in Detroit. Sad, sad situation. Awesome photo series.

Kind of how I'm feeling these days. Not awesome. Sad, run down, abandoned.

never say never

You may have noticed there haven't been many personal posts in the last few days. Personal posts will continue to be few - for a while, at least. It's not that I don't have anything to post - I have lots. Lots. My old friend/nemesis is back - the blues, the beast, the big D - depression. I've battled it and embraced it at different times of my life. It is a gift in many ways. It is an incredible challenge. I have had some of the most vivid insights and creative visions during times I have been under its control. Sadly, I usually don't have the strength to do anything about these insights and by the time "happy" is back, I have forgotten. It is impossible for me to hold both states at the same time.

It has been with me since the day I was born. As a child my father, brother, and sister repeatedly called me a cry-baby. My mother called me a pill. It comes. I do my work to try to find center. It eventually goes. I know that now. As a child and teen, I thought I was insane. In my twenties I spent every moment trying to appear "normal" lest someone figure out I was crazy and lock me away. It wasn't until I almost did the irreversible in my early thirties that I was labeled - I mean, diagnosed.

I feel its weight first in my shoulders and eyelids and, of course, my heart. Then it takes over my body and every thought - waking or not. I'm okay. There's been a lot happening lately to challenge my spirit - uncertainty over my living situation, financial challenges, escalating and seemingly never-ending demands and restrictions from my daughter's father, health concerns, and the loss of T. I will survive and thrive. That's one thing about aging, what once seemed like forever eventually is seen as but a short time in your life.

I am very blessed. I know it. Depression isn't about lack of gratitude but rather twisted self-perspective and lack of hope. Until I am centered again, I choose to focus on beauty. That is what my posts will be. Then I'll share it all with you!!!

Until then, I would like to share a clipping from some unremembered magazine. I have had it with me for 15 years or longer - either posted on the fridge or inspiration board, or carried in my purse. To all those fortunate ones who have never been visited by the big D and to those who aren't in its throes anymore and may have forgotten what it is like, here is a list of things NEVER to say to someone who is depressed:

"Pull yourself up by the bootstraps."

"I was really depressed once and I just [pick one]...had an affair...sent myself some roses...got my legs waxed...ran a marathon...went to a spa...bought a convertible...stopped eating refined sugar...signed up for a class."

"Believe more in God, pray..."

"Everyone is a wimp these days. It's mind over matter."

"Think about someone else for a change."

"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."

"Just give it time. You'll get over it."

"I know exactly how you feel..."

"Snap out of it."

and my personal most hated comment:

"There are others with bigger problems than you."

(That just always makes me feel worse.

 I know my problems are miniscule compared to what some others have to deal with.

It breaks my heart that others are in even greater pain than I am.)

Be well.

late night

Beware feeling low and shopping! Actually, I wasn't shopping. Just visiting some of my favorite blogs. A Desert Fete is definitely one to check out. The amazing and talented Jamie has just opened a web site offering her designs. This print was from her wedding. I have coveted it ever since I saw it posted in her wedding photos. Bought it! Can't wait for it to arrive. here