J, taken last Thursday during her class's field trip
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
little miss j
The other day I mentioned J wasn't feeling well. I took her to see the doctor this morning and it turns out she has a little pneumonia in both lungs. One lung is partially collapsed due to the amount of mucous. She's usually such a dynamic child. Right now she seems so little. Of course, at one point this afternoon, when she didn't have a high fever or tummy ache and wasn't coughing, she put on short shorts and a little tee, pulled on my high heeled boots and started strutting around the house like a model. She was so grown up. I kept thinking, "Where did she learn to move like that?" and "Please, stay my little girl. I'm not ready for you to be grown up!" Ahhh, motherhood....ups and downs...joys and worries...the best adventure of my life.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
learning to love
All the children who are held and loved...
will know how to love others.
Spread these virtues in the world.
Nothing more need be done.
Meng Zi, c. 300 BCE
Monday, May 7, 2012
monday madness or things I'm afraid to tell you
There’s
a revolution happening in the blog world. Many are feeling frustration between
reality and “reality” as presented on blogs. People are tired of hearing about
perfect lives, seeing perfect homes, and feeling bad about their own. After
reading an article by Jess Constable, Ez at Creature Comforts, along with other
bloggers, has created the challenge to share “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.”
I’ve
struggled with how open about myself to be on this blog. The early posts were
raw and real. I want to live honestly. I’ve stopped sharing the nitty gritty,
though, figuring who cares? Now, more often than not on the blog, I focus on
beauty and gratitude, because that is how I live my life – always looking for
the beauty and the gift. While that is true for my life, the flip side is not
pretty or easy.
I
can share my art. I can share stories of my daughter. I can share stories of
the animals. I can share what touches my soul. I haven’t shared what touches my
everyday life.
So,
in honor of the bloggers who have bared their souls, I will bare my everyday life
to you – and will continue to do so in bits and pieces as I find the courage.
Who
am I? In the eyes of the world I am a complete and utter failure. I have never
succeeded at anything. I am financially insolvent with huge debt that hangs
over my head. I don’t have a “real” job. I am supported by photography work,
the sale of photos and also stitchery patterns, public assistance (how I
haaaate to admit that), and my extremely generous and kind mother. I am
overweight – which has been causing health problems – and at an age no longer considered
prime – whatever that means. Every day, to some degree, I deal with depression.
Some days I am fully functional. Other days I use every bit of energy I have to
mother my daughter and care for our animals. I was born depressed. It wasn’t
diagnosed until my early thirties when I almost killed myself. My house is a
mess. I dread the possibility of someone dropping by. Oh, and I am well on my
way to being the crazy cat lady who lives down the street.
Please,
don’t get me wrong. I am not an unhappy or resentful person. I am extremely grateful for
everything in my life and everything I lack. I firmly believe that when we give
something up, we gain something in return. I am incredibly blessed. The
Universe has never failed to take care of me – through my mother, through
friends, through the government, through miracles. I strive to be financially
solvent and self-sufficient. I accept what I need. Humbly – and honestly, with
shame. I am extremely spiritual, though not religious. I believe my journey has
a purpose – though I’ve yet to discover it! I try to walk gently upon the Earth
and live simply and with gratitude. In my heart, I am just who I am.
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