it's a jungle in here

I could see these living happily on my windowsill...

Made from repurposed plastic toys, these planters come with the succulent or cactus. There are also dinosaurs - if you like.

From Plaid Pigeon.

I'm especially fond of Matilda the Hippo...

what shall we call this day

Storm

A day of ups and downs and all arounds.

As I am writing this, J is fussing and fuming and whining because "I can't get comfortable." Oh, but you have to hear her tone. Aaaagh. And, of course, what comes next is how its all my fault, etc etc etc. Did I mention she spent the last three days with her dad and grandmother? She's just an overtired little girl.

This morning I slept till 11:30(!!!). I'd had a rough night - both physically and emotionally. Not sure which was worse. I feel like I'm going through a cleansing. When I went out back this morning to feed Graycee, the wind was blowing and building. It lifted my arms like wings. I could hear the birds calling to me to fly. I could feel Mother Earth holding me, anchoring me, grounding me. I heard the chants of the ancients, of the grandmothers, channeling through me. I felt connected, empowered and clear. I asked for J's guides and angels  - no manipulation - to protect her from evil and help her see the truth. I asked my guides to show me the solutions to either keeping this home or finding another better, the solutions to my financial challenges, to ground me in self-love and self-respect. This or better - for my highest good, for J's highest good, for the highest good of all, and for the highest good of the Universe. Ho. Aho. So be it.

I have been seeing signs all day - probably missing most. I'm not sure what they all add up to.
I have a portable fire pit in the backyard that I bought quite a while ago with the intention of using it when bb was here during winter quarters. I have never had a chance to use it. Made of terra cotta, it is supposed to be protected from extreme elements and water. To protect it I took apart the box it came in and laid the cardboard pieces over it. There are five or six layers of carboard heavy with water atop the pit. We have had fierce storms and other than the top piece slipping, the pit has remained covered. This morning all the cardboard was off the fire pit. All of it. Spread along side of it. I didn't have my usual raccoon visitors last night so I can't blame them. What does it mean?
As I was staring at the uncovered fire pit, I noticed the rambling rose by the fence was suddenly almost to the fire pit. Suddenly, because it wasn't even near the patio two days ago. What does it mean?
As J and I were driving through town, five white doves suddenly flew up and away. White doves. What does it mean?
Both Graycee and White Fluffy Love escaped their confines today. Graycee from the cat-fenced back yard (he's FIV+ so must be kept from other cats) and WFL from the house. What does it mean?

The wind was joined by rain this afternoon, the skies are stormy, the almond trees are blossoming, the birds and the squirrels are active, the cats are fighting with each other...something is brewing...

In other news, Valentine's Day sucked. I was sick and couldn't be at J's Kindergarten party or even with J all day. She stayed with her dad. They went out to dinner while I sat here sick and hungry because there was no food in the house. Very early Monday morning - like at 3am - I drove into town and then walked around my neighborhood here putting red roses under car wipers and at doors of friends and neighbors. Anonymously. I was sick. Wandering around in the cold didn't help make me better. Oh, and how I don't want to admit this...I put a rose under the wiper of a certain someone who hasn't treated me very nicely and I have supposedly let go of. Yes, T. Well, friends, I make my own misery. I'm certain he knew it was from me and no, I haven't heard from him. I guess that pretty much says it all. If your "boyfriend" doesn't even acknowledge you on Valentine's Day - no matter what else might be going on in his life - it's pretty sure that not only is he not your "boyfriend," he doesn't care one thing about you or your feelings. Should that come as a surprise to me? No. So why am I a little surprised? Like I wrote, I make my own misery.

I hope those that received the roses felt thought of and special. That was my intention. Now, to be petty, that would be how I felt. Had a received flowers, or a card, or an email, or anything from anyone. Not one person wished me a Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, waagh. Poor me! I said it was petty... You have to believe you deserve attention to receive it...

It is official...the island is shut down for renovation. The beaches are closed. I have mined the bays.

drawn by J in early 2010

Oh, wait, the thing about not receiving any valentines is not actually true...J made me a card and a huge painting. How I love that girl. I couldn't dream of a better valentine than her. I am so blessed. I wish I didn't forget that so often.

Nevertheless, the island is still closed...

state of the heart

The other day I made a Valentine's Day mix cd. Kind of a "state of my heart" at this moment in time in music. There may be more appropriate songs than the ones I chose, but my rule for making cds for myself is that I have to love the songs - they don't just have to fit, I must love them.

Save Me by Aimee Mann

Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone

Glitter in the Air by Pink

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone

Silver Stallion by Cat Power

And we're gonna ride,we're gonna ride
Ride like the one eyed jack of diamonds

With the devil close behind

Desperado by The Eagles

It may be rainin' but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
You better let somebody love you before it's too late

Smile by Uncle Kracker

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile

Across the Universe by Rufus Wainwright

Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me

Love Remains the Same by Gavin Rossdale

Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison

Was it something I said or something I did

Did my words not come out right

Though I tried not to hurt you

Though I tried

But I guess that's why they say

Every rose has its thorn

Blue Roses Falling by Jake Shimabakuro

no lyrics, just incredible ukelele

Fall Into Me by Sugarland

Fall into me
My arms are open wide
And you don’t have to say a word
‘Cause I already see
That it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first

Blackbird by Sarah McLachlan

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You've Got A Friend by Carole King

Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend

Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson

happy is the heart that still feels pain
darkness drains and light will come again
swing open up your chest and let it in
just let the love love love begin

Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today

Good Riddance by Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end its right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Someday by Rob Thomas

And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday

Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget

Need You Now by Lady Antebellum

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

Over the Rainbow by Eva Cassidy

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Absence of Fear by Jewel

Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you
And I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear

February 14

Happy Valentine's Day

the greatest gift

I've been writing recently of having lost connection with myself - of losing sight of who I am. Tonight a precious little orange tabby gave her life to remind me.

I've been sick all weekend but wanted J to have balloons on Valentine's day. Tonight I drove along the rural road that travels between almond orchards and connects my little town to the next larger town. On the way, I passed a cat lying in the road who had been hit by a car and left. I didn't see her get hit, but as I passed I saw her leg shaking and knew she was still alive. I turned around and pulled over. Dodging traffic, I picked her up and layed her by the side of the road. She was still alive, but barely. Half her face was missing and I knew finding a vet for her would be useless. So I sat in the dirt with her, between the road and the orchard, while she died. I told her what had happened to her and said it was time to let go. I asked her angels and guides to be with her as she transitioned. I pet her, and spoke to her, and sang to her, and cried over her. I tried to give her the comfort and love at her death that she never had in her life. At one point I swore I could feel the vibration of her purr under my hand. It might have only been my imagination. After there was no more breath in her, I picked her up, carried her to my car, and lay her in the trunk. I drove home and carried her to the back shed where she will be safe until I can give her a burial tomorrow. Then I went into the house, washed the blood from my hands and arms, and drove into town to get balloons for J so she will wake up to love and light and joy.

Let this be my epitaph. This is who I am.

9 Lives