ashes to ashes

Everyone in the area - very agricultural - is burning this weekend. The air is hazy and heavy. Although the weather is gorgeous - sunny, warm, with a light breeze. I decided to join in with a daytime burn of my own. Tried writing a letter to burn last night and this morning, but was just too weak from this cold-thing I have to hold the pen. While transfering laundry from the washer to the dryer - when you're a mom it doesn't matter how you're feeling, the chores still have to be done - I was shaking out the clothes so they wouldn't get too wrinkled, like T had taught me. The anger came back. It's been two weeks of silence - nothing from him, doesn't answer when I call, doesn't call back, no response to e-mails. It's not like I'm stalking him or leaving sad sack messages. I just would like to hear from him that he's okay and what exactly is going on. It does not settle with me to be told how much he cares for me and then two hours later be cut out of his life. "Sweetheart, I'll call you back in fifteen minutes...." If nothing else, it is extremely disrespectful to leave anyone hanging. Doesn't matter. I wrote my letter. One of letting go and release. No more. Burn.

 Let go. Let go. Let go.

Release. Release. Release.

mum's no longer the word

I never listen to the radio except when I'm in the car. And when J is riding along we listen to her music almost exclusively. While on my own, I've been catching bits and pieces of a song that I love love love by a band with a great great great sound - with a banjo, too! Unfortunately, I haven't been able to catch either the song title or the artist. Today that changed. Yay!!! On my 6 hour turnaround driving my Mom to her home and then coming back to mine alone, I finally heard both. The group is Mumford & Sons (I know. Where have I been? Apparently, they're nominated for two grammies!) Their debut song is Little Lion Man. Love the whole cd.

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
Little Lion Man

Mumford & Sons

see and hear them perform Little Lion Man here

Now I'm off to lounge on the sofa for the rest of the night. Probably tomorrow too. J and I are both sick. She with nausea and fevers; me with bad throat and ears - agony to swallow and can't talk above a whisper. Have to say, people around here are kind of happy about the last part...

love ever after

Lauren Fleishman

via bippity boppity boo via a cup of jo

concrete paradise

Woke up with this song in my head...

Well, don't it always seem to go

That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone

They paved paradise to put up a parking lot

Big Yellow Taxi

Joni Mitchell

hear Joni here

hear Counting Crows here

not just a river in Egypt

"It's always very difficult to accept the truth about people.

Especially about people that we love. Denying it doesn't make it go away."

CSI All That Cremains

The Universe is a strange and awesome place...I have been feeling especially sad for the last three days over T missing from my life. It seems I miss him more now that he is gone than wanted him when he was around. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder - probably because the object of affection isn't around to irritate you.

I did get in touch with him three days after he cut contact. I asked if this was his way of ending our relationship. He insisted no, no, no. He had family things to deal with and was feeling lost and trying to mend. Don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds like something one might say to get someone off your back who you didn't want to hurt. Although I don't see any purpose in outright denying the relationship was over. So for the past week-and-a-half, I haven't known what to think. Do I move on or hang on? Back and forth. Back and forth. Angry and sad. Angry and sad. Back and forth. I just want to know where he's at in his head. For some reason I need closure from him to move on. I don't know why. It's not like it would ever be okay to have someone in my life (or potentially in my daughter's) that would just disappear without word or warning. For whatever reason, I just can't let go. I've always hated good-byes, but I would at least like the chance to say it...

I've received a trio of messages (maybe more) from the big U about the situation. We get messages all the time - most of which we ignore or miss.

A few days ago I was browsing through blogs and felt like I needed to check out the AstroTwins. I only read them occassionally and haven't in a while. For some reason I went all the way to the website and read my monthly horoscope. Then I read T's. Why? I read this in his monthly horoscope:

"....it will take your mind off that ex who’s crept back into your consciousness (or your bed) recently."

The day before yesterday, for the first time in a couple of months, I received a text message from bb's "other" girlfriend. Again, accusing me of harboring him and keeping them apart. I texted back, "no see. no hear. no care." And, happily, realized I really don't care anymore. The text, however, left me feeling raw. It reminded me of how hurt I felt over the whole situation. And, it reminded me about the situation - that I had no idea (or rather, refused to admit to myself) that there was "another" girlfriend.

Tonight, I checked out the Le Love blog. The writer was a very young woman. I was amazed at her resilience and wisdom. Her story was about how she had fallen in love and he suddenly disappeared. No phone, no email, no nothing. She ran into him on the street a while after and he passed her by without acknowledgment. She was confused over the whole situation. Then, a short time later she saw him again - with his pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea there was anyone else in his life.

It finally hit me. I wrote T an email but then thought, why? I've been writing emails and he never answers them. So, I called. Of course, he didn't answer. (This was the guy who always said, you can call me anytime. I always have my phone next to me.) I left a message. Essentially saying, please just let me know what's going on. If there's someone else, just tell me. If you don't want to be friends anymore, just tell me. Just tell me...I realize the answer is obvious, yet I still want to hear it. I doubt very much I'll hear back.

Why do I feel so sad over missing someone who would treat me this way? I know I deserve better. No one deserves it.

I just can't trust myself anymore. Have I always been so clueless about people?



From the Le Love post:

"Now, I am fine. I decided that if he doesn't want me in his life, then I don't need him in my world as well. First I wanted to forget about him, but then I decided that I will keep the wonderful moments we had locked up in my heart. When I need it, I will unlock them and remember what we used to have, but then I will keep them locked up nice and safe in my heart again and never think about him. "