super sunday

It was a very good day. A super day, if you will. Super Bowl Sunday, coincidentally. I received the greatest gift...I got to spend the entire day - from waking to night time - with my most precious girl. That hasn't happened in months and months. There is not one day in our schedule where I get that. Truly a gift.

As a really extra extra special bonus, my Mom is visiting. So the three of us enjoyed each other like we haven't been able to do in years. J and I lived with my Mom her first year, but, of course, J doesn't remember any of that - except for the photos.

None of us are football people - including J, although her father and his mother are ardent fans. We did watch the last 4 minutes of the game. In between Tinkerbell and Enchanted on Disney. During those 4 minutes, the tv sound was off, Hannah Montanna was playing on J's cd player, and J and I were dancing to the music. That's the way we watch sports! By the way, my Mom was doing word puzzles while J and I grooved.

A very good day. Yeah, yeah, there were a few tears here and there. Both by me and J - although for completely different reasons. But definitely, one of the best days ever.

via iPhone

burning question

I'm back to writing and burning letters. For the last couple of weeks, I have been holding onto my anger - wrapping it around me like a blanket of protection. Without the anger, I was afraid I would crumble into a ball of sorrow. I am no longer in danger of crumbling. I have been shored up. I am still angry, though. I feel in so many cases lately, I have been tossed around like a ragdoll on the whims of men's egos. So many hurts. Of course, I've let them do it to me. No more.

Tonight I wrote a letter to T. He is the man who came to and stayed on the island by sheer will. He is the man who promised to protect us and stand by our side through thick and thin. He is the man who disappeared in the night without a word.

I surprised myself. Didn't quite realize just how much hurt and disappointment was within me. Ended up writing three pages. That's quite a bit of venom. Burned the letter in my bowl, on the back porch, with Giovanni and Joy watching through the screen. It was quite a show.

I was down to the last match in my tin. I never expected I would be using the last match on T.

Be well, T. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute with you. I hope you find what you are looking for.

letting go

There's been a man on the island for a while now. He followed me back from the mainland one day. He made it by sheer will and stayed the same way. I kept him to the beach - trying to learn from past mistakes - kept him from J and our inner sanctum. He built a fortress on the sand, promising to protect J and I from all harm. A war hero, he presented himself as honorable, respectful, and kind-hearted. I enjoyed his company - a lot. Began to believe in him. Went to the beach to meet him a few evenings ago...he was gone. I was worried. He didn't seem like the type of man to disappear in the night without a word. After three days, I found a way to contact him. He gave me a sad story about being adrift and lost and that he was trying to find his way back. Uh huh.

I don't believe him. It doesn't ring true. And even if it is true, there is no way I will let a man who is unreliable and randomly unavailable emotionally anywhere near my daughter. She already has a father like that.

I don't believe him. I don't believe in him. Yet, I miss him. And worse, I still hope.

The fortress he built still stands. I am seriously considering taking it apart piece by piece and having a huge bonfire on the beach.

over and over

These two songs have been rolling around in my brain for the past few days - over and over and over. The first one, I can understand - kindof. I don't really care for the song, but it is one of those that once you hear it it doesn't let go. The studio J takes dance lessons from just moved to a new space. At their open house, various dancers performed. One group of girls performed a modern dance to Jar of Hearts. Thus, in my head. Plus, the words, of course.
The second...maybe you can tell me.

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Jar of Hearts

Christina Perri

So if you're too school for cool
And you're treated like a fool
You can choose to let it go
We can always, we can always party on our own

So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways, all my underdogs
We will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and
Raise your glass!
Just come on and come on and
Raise your glass!

Raise Your Glass

Pink

not just shoes

sigh...

Maxstudio Sateen

here