Sunday, January 30, 2011

dear J

My Dearest J -

My hope is that someday when you are older and better able to accept the decisions that were made on your behalf that you might read this and understand. From the moment I realized I was pregnant with you, every choice I have made in my life, you were - and are - my first consideration. I love you with all my heart and more. There are going to be huge changes in both our lives this year. Neither one of us is going to be overly pleased with any of them. I am embattled right now - trying to save our home and our relationship. I fear I have already lost the battle of keeping our home. We will have to trust that your father makes the right decisions about it in the future so that your inheritance is protected. And, so, I must find us another home. One where we will be safe and happy. One where we can keep our precious menagierie. One where you can play and look forward to coming back to. One in which every move of mine is not watched and judged. One in which the constant threat of being kicked out if I don't comply with ever changing and escalating demands does not hang over my head. One in which I can be a good mother to you and not a fearful one. One which I can afford.... I have loved this little house as much as you have, my sweet. Perhaps more. Neither of us will be happy when forced to move.

As for our relationship...I just hope that in your precious five-year-old heart that you can continue to trust me as you always have. Even when you overhear that I am untrustworthy. You are my first consideration - always. The immediate choice I am making to comply with controlling and even cruel demands will make me miserable, in the least. But it is what I must do to provide us a home until I can find another. And it is what I must do to keep the decision of who you will be with and when out of the hands of the court. You are not going to understand what is happening around you right now. You may never understand. You may never forgive either of your parents. I hope that is not the case. We both love you sooooo much. We just have never been able to agree on how best to raise you. I doubt that will ever change. And, of course, there is the issue of retribution and punishment directed toward me - that most unfortunately cannot help but affect you - because I cannot love your father the way he wants. None of what is happening has anything to do with you, precious one. It is only very imperfect adults living very imperfect lives.

My wish for you has always and will always remain the same - that you may become whoever you are. My goal has been to provide a safe space - not just a physical one - for you to find out who that is. That is still my goal and every choice of mine is a reflection of that purpose.

I love you, dear girl. I will do anything for you.

Your imperfect, but loving mother

J - a few minutes old

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