Monday, February 28, 2011


Saturday night my computer was infected with a virus. It took over really quickly. All's better now, but I've been without internet access for almost two days. Oh, my!

J was sick. Then I was sick. Then J was sick. She's recovering, but still not completely well. Now, I'm sick again. Oh, my...

Saturday, February 26, 2011


Art and love are the same thing:
It's the process of seeing yourself
in things that are not you.
Killing Yourself to Love: 85% of a True Story
Chuck Klosterman

made for me

All of his art available on 20x200 are archival prints similar to the one above - all words. His artist's statement reads "I'm not really good with words."

Love it!

stunning memories

you learn

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t always mean security

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

Friday, February 25, 2011

weather wise

Strange weather day - snowflakes in the early morn, sun till early afternoon, monster hail storm in the afternoon, sun again till nightfall. Exciting. Took this photo with my iPhone in the parking lot of the grocery store during the sunny part of the morning. The sky was, well, sky blue. Apparently the iPhone couldn't quite handle the contrast and gave me dark blue sky instead. Oh well.

The clouds were magnificent. I'm surprised I didn't get in an accident. I couldn't stop looking at the formations and spaces. Glorious. Noticed the heart in the sky - thank you, Universe - while loading my groceries. By the time I got my phone out of my pocket, the heart was beginning to break up. Kind of like life, I guess. Just when you're finally ready to capture love, it starts to disappear. Do I sound bitter?

photo envy

I wish I had taken this photo.
I wish I had the opportunity to take a photo like this.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

no love like a mother's

Shirley MacLaine with daughter
Paris 1963
photographed by Leo Fuchs


Sigh. Not available in the US.

something fishy

Found a wonderful online store - Fishs Eddy. They have dinnerware, flatware - including open stock, glassware, and quirky accessories. This little pink nut bowl led me there:

nut bowl via rock paper scissors blog

My faves:


In our agricultural community, this is the most beautiful time of the year. Around the middle of February, the almond trees blossom. Every where you look is a sea of white. It is an incredible sight.

It is also a tense time of year for the ranchers. They say their prayers that there won't be a rain or wind storm. One heavy rain - knocking the blossoms off the trees - can greatly damage the harvest. A few years ago in early January we had a huge storm - huge. The trees weren't in blossom yet, but more than half the harvest was destroyed. It had been a wet season so the ground was already saturated when the storm hit - heavy rain and gale force winds. The almond trees are grafted onto shallow rooted but fast growing fruit trees. The winds uprooted a significant portion of the crop. It was such a horrible sight. These beautiful trees upended, roots in the air - acres and acres of trees on their sides.

Sadly for those who appreciate the glory of the trees in bloom, the blossoming time is very short. The trees are already beginning to leaf out.

The cyle continues. Life goes on.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Cinderella is proof that a pair of shoes can change your life.

crochet covered pumps!!!
by Scharer

here and only $80

Sunday, February 20, 2011

words not mine

He made himself look like a good guy. You bought it.
It happens to the best of us. Welcome to the club.
Criminal Minds

Life is too ironic to fully understand.
It takes sadness to know what happiness is,
noise to appreciate silence,
and absence to value presence.

You decide every moment of every day
who you are and what you believe in.
You get a second chance every second.

I remember times that were never even real.

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true.
Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts.
Everyone gets these things confused with love.
But in reality, love is the only thing in this world
that covers up all pain and
makes someone feel wonderful again.

When you say, "I love you"
you are making a promise with someone else's heart.
Try to honor it.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Check out this wall...

gabion stone wall
The Hill House in Winthrop, Washington
photographed by Lara Swimmer

never say never

You may have noticed there haven't been many personal posts in the last few days. Personal posts will continue to be few - for a while, at least. It's not that I don't have anything to post - I have lots. Lots. My old friend/nemesis is back - the blues, the beast, the big D - depression. I've battled it and embraced it at different times of my life. It is a gift in many ways. It is an incredible challenge. I have had some of the most vivid insights and creative visions during times I have been under its control. Sadly, I usually don't have the strength to do anything about these insights and by the time "happy" is back, I have forgotten. It is impossible for me to hold both states at the same time.

It has been with me since the day I was born. As a child my father, brother, and sister repeatedly called me a cry-baby. My mother called me a pill. It comes. I do my work to try to find center. It eventually goes. I know that now. As a child and teen, I thought I was insane. In my twenties I spent every moment trying to appear "normal" lest someone figure out I was crazy and lock me away. It wasn't until I almost did the irreversible in my early thirties that I was labeled - I mean, diagnosed.

I feel its weight first in my shoulders and eyelids and, of course, my heart. Then it takes over my body and every thought - waking or not. I'm okay. There's been a lot happening lately to challenge my spirit - uncertainty over my living situation, financial challenges, escalating and seemingly never-ending demands and restrictions from my daughter's father, health concerns, and the loss of T. I will survive and thrive. That's one thing about aging, what once seemed like forever eventually is seen as but a short time in your life.

I am very blessed. I know it. Depression isn't about lack of gratitude but rather twisted self-perspective and lack of hope. Until I am centered again, I choose to focus on beauty. That is what my posts will be. Then I'll share it all with you!!!

Until then, I would like to share a clipping from some unremembered magazine. I have had it with me for 15 years or longer - either posted on the fridge or inspiration board, or carried in my purse. To all those fortunate ones who have never been visited by the big D and to those who aren't in its throes anymore and may have forgotten what it is like, here is a list of things NEVER to say to someone who is depressed:

"Pull yourself up by the bootstraps."
"I was really depressed once and I just [pick one]...had an affair...sent myself some my legs waxed...ran a marathon...went to a spa...bought a convertible...stopped eating refined sugar...signed up for a class."
"Believe more in God, pray..."
"Everyone is a wimp these days. It's mind over matter."
"Think about someone else for a change."
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"Just give it time. You'll get over it."
"I know exactly how you feel..."
"Snap out of it."

and my personal most hated comment:

"There are others with bigger problems than you."
(That just always makes me feel worse.
 I know my problems are miniscule compared to what some others have to deal with.
It breaks my heart that others are in even greater pain than I am.)

Be well.

i had a dream

I had a dream
that the one - the right one -
told me how much he loved me
by planting me a garden of feathers.

stunning 3

model Skye Velten photographed by Elizabeth Messina
for Twigs & Honey

Skye Velton
Twigs & Honey
Elizabeth Messina - a fine art and lifestyle/wedding photographer extraordinaire
Kiss the Groom - Elizabeth's delightful blog. A must-see-and-read.

not friday, frida

The post title would have made more sense yesterday - on Friday - but I was unable to post photos. Apparently many many people have been having the problem with no help being offered by blogger or google. Sad. Many thanks to the smart people in the blogger forums who have figured a way around it - for now. Thank you. Now the post meant for yesterday...

Wandering around tumblr land tonight, seeing many incredible photos. Some I'd like to post but the thing about tumblr is people just repost images and the only sources sited is the name of the tumblr account they reblogged from. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone gave credit where it is due. Do I sound a tad self-righteous? Came across the top left photo in tumblr land and was awed by it. After much research found the source and the other photos.

A Frida Kahlo-inspired photo shoot for Harper's Bazaar US November 2001
with model Mariacarla Boscono photographed by Nathaniel Goldberg.

The gorgeous photo shoot, of course, reminded me about the incomparable Frida Kahlo.

left to right:
Self-portrait with Necklace 1933
Self-portrait with Thorn Necklace and Hummingbird 1940
Me and My Parrots 1941

Friday, February 18, 2011

not cloud 9

I am very very unhappy with Google these days. I've always loved it as a search engine - it's my homepage. But now they're trying to control all information gathering and have developed something called "cloud picker." Unfortunately it keeps popping up when I try to insert an image. In the past, after fooling around with it, it would eventually go away. Not today.

Until Google lets go of its stranglehold, there will be no posts from me - because really it's not a good post unless there is at least one image!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

stunning 2

Sasha Pivovarova photographed by Paolo Roversi
for Alberta Ferretti's spring 2011 campaign

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


for British GQ

plus a whole lot of research on my part to find out the photographer's name
* apparently the model is actress Sienna Miller


"Clara had a red fox in her breast that would gnaw at her heart.
She was born that way, and there was nothing anyone could do about it."

L’Ange hurleur [The Screaming Angel]
Anne Richter


...I were still friends with a certain someone whose birthday is coming up in the end of March, this might be part of his birthday gift.

from MursBlanc

it's a jungle in here

I could see these living happily on my windowsill...

Made from repurposed plastic toys, these planters come with the succulent or cactus. There are also dinosaurs - if you like.

I'm especially fond of Matilda the Hippo...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

what shall we call this day

A day of ups and downs and all arounds.

As I am writing this, J is fussing and fuming and whining because "I can't get comfortable." Oh, but you have to hear her tone. Aaaagh. And, of course, what comes next is how its all my fault, etc etc etc. Did I mention she spent the last three days with her dad and grandmother? She's just an overtired little girl.

This morning I slept till 11:30(!!!). I'd had a rough night - both physically and emotionally. Not sure which was worse. I feel like I'm going through a cleansing. When I went out back this morning to feed Graycee, the wind was blowing and building. It lifted my arms like wings. I could hear the birds calling to me to fly. I could feel Mother Earth holding me, anchoring me, grounding me. I heard the chants of the ancients, of the grandmothers, channeling through me. I felt connected, empowered and clear. I asked for J's guides and angels  - no manipulation - to protect her from evil and help her see the truth. I asked my guides to show me the solutions to either keeping this home or finding another better, the solutions to my financial challenges, to ground me in self-love and self-respect. This or better - for my highest good, for J's highest good, for the highest good of all, and for the highest good of the Universe. Ho. Aho. So be it.

I have been seeing signs all day - probably missing most. I'm not sure what they all add up to.
I have a portable fire pit in the backyard that I bought quite a while ago with the intention of using it when bb was here during winter quarters. I have never had a chance to use it. Made of terra cotta, it is supposed to be protected from extreme elements and water. To protect it I took apart the box it came in and laid the cardboard pieces over it. There are five or six layers of carboard heavy with water atop the pit. We have had fierce storms and other than the top piece slipping, the pit has remained covered. This morning all the cardboard was off the fire pit. All of it. Spread along side of it. I didn't have my usual raccoon visitors last night so I can't blame them. What does it mean?
As I was staring at the uncovered fire pit, I noticed the rambling rose by the fence was suddenly almost to the fire pit. Suddenly, because it wasn't even near the patio two days ago. What does it mean?
As J and I were driving through town, five white doves suddenly flew up and away. White doves. What does it mean?
Both Graycee and White Fluffy Love escaped their confines today. Graycee from the cat-fenced back yard (he's FIV+ so must be kept from other cats) and WFL from the house. What does it mean?

The wind was joined by rain this afternoon, the skies are stormy, the almond trees are blossoming, the birds and the squirrels are active, the cats are fighting with each other...something is brewing...

In other news, Valentine's Day sucked. I was sick and couldn't be at J's Kindergarten party or even with J all day. She stayed with her dad. They went out to dinner while I sat here sick and hungry because there was no food in the house. Very early Monday morning - like at 3am - I drove into town and then walked around my neighborhood here putting red roses under car wipers and at doors of friends and neighbors. Anonymously. I was sick. Wandering around in the cold didn't help make me better. Oh, and how I don't want to admit this...I put a rose under the wiper of a certain someone who hasn't treated me very nicely and I have supposedly let go of. Yes, T. Well, friends, I make my own misery. I'm certain he knew it was from me and no, I haven't heard from him. I guess that pretty much says it all. If your "boyfriend" doesn't even acknowledge you on Valentine's Day - no matter what else might be going on in his life - it's pretty sure that not only is he not your "boyfriend," he doesn't care one thing about you or your feelings. Should that come as a surprise to me? No. So why am I a little surprised? Like I wrote, I make my own misery.

I hope those that received the roses felt thought of and special. That was my intention. Now, to be petty, that would be how I felt. Had a received flowers, or a card, or an email, or anything from anyone. Not one person wished me a Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, waagh. Poor me! I said it was petty... You have to believe you deserve attention to receive it...

It is official...the island is shut down for renovation. The beaches are closed. I have mined the bays.

drawn by J in early 2010

Oh, wait, the thing about not receiving any valentines is not actually true...J made me a card and a huge painting. How I love that girl. I couldn't dream of a better valentine than her. I am so blessed. I wish I didn't forget that so often.

Nevertheless, the island is still closed...

Monday, February 14, 2011

state of the heart

The other day I made a Valentine's Day mix cd. Kind of a "state of my heart" at this moment in time in music. There may be more appropriate songs than the ones I chose, but my rule for making cds for myself is that I have to love the songs - they don't just have to fit, I must love them.

Save Me by Aimee Mann
Come on and save me
If you could save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone
Glitter in the Air by Pink
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Silver Stallion by Cat Power
And we're gonna ride,we're gonna ride
Ride like the one eyed jack of diamonds
With the devil close behind
Desperado by The Eagles
It may be rainin' but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you
You better let somebody love you before it's too late
Smile by Uncle Kracker
You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Oh, you make me smile
Across the Universe by Rufus Wainwright
Pools of sorrow waves of joy
Are drifting through my open mind
Possessing and caressing me
Love Remains the Same by Gavin Rossdale
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same
Every Rose Has Its Thorn by Poison
Was it something I said or something I did
Did my words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say
Every rose has its thorn
Blue Roses Falling by Jake Shimabakuro
no lyrics, just incredible ukelele
Fall Into Me by Sugarland
Fall into me
My arms are open wide
And you don’t have to say a word
‘Cause I already see
That it’s hard and you’re scared
And you’re tired and it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first
Blackbird by Sarah McLachlan
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You've Got A Friend by Carole King
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend
Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson
happy is the heart that still feels pain
darkness drains and light will come again
swing open up your chest and let it in
just let the love love love begin
Beautiful by Christina Aguilera
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So don't you bring me down today
Good Riddance by Green Day
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end its right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
Someday by Rob Thomas
And maybe someday we'll figure all this out
Try to put an end to all our doubt
And try to find a way to make things better now that
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow, someday
Come On Get Higher by Matt Nathanson
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe
Make you forget
Need You Now by Lady Antebellum
Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all
Over the Rainbow by Eva Cassidy
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true
Absence of Fear by Jewel
Inside my heart there's an empty room
It's waiting for lightning
It's waiting for you
And I am wanting
And I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear

February 14

Happy Valentine's Day

Sunday, February 13, 2011

the greatest gift

I've been writing recently of having lost connection with myself - of losing sight of who I am. Tonight a precious little orange tabby gave her life to remind me.

I've been sick all weekend but wanted J to have balloons on Valentine's day. Tonight I drove along the rural road that travels between almond orchards and connects my little town to the next larger town. On the way, I passed a cat lying in the road who had been hit by a car and left. I didn't see her get hit, but as I passed I saw her leg shaking and knew she was still alive. I turned around and pulled over. Dodging traffic, I picked her up and layed her by the side of the road. She was still alive, but barely. Half her face was missing and I knew finding a vet for her would be useless. So I sat in the dirt with her, between the road and the orchard, while she died. I told her what had happened to her and said it was time to let go. I asked her angels and guides to be with her as she transitioned. I pet her, and spoke to her, and sang to her, and cried over her. I tried to give her the comfort and love at her death that she never had in her life. At one point I swore I could feel the vibration of her purr under my hand. It might have only been my imagination. After there was no more breath in her, I picked her up, carried her to my car, and lay her in the trunk. I drove home and carried her to the back shed where she will be safe until I can give her a burial tomorrow. Then I went into the house, washed the blood from my hands and arms, and drove into town to get balloons for J so she will wake up to love and light and joy.

Let this be my epitaph. This is who I am.

ashes to ashes

Everyone in the area - very agricultural - is burning this weekend. The air is hazy and heavy. Although the weather is gorgeous - sunny, warm, with a light breeze. I decided to join in with a daytime burn of my own. Tried writing a letter to burn last night and this morning, but was just too weak from this cold-thing I have to hold the pen. While transfering laundry from the washer to the dryer - when you're a mom it doesn't matter how you're feeling, the chores still have to be done - I was shaking out the clothes so they wouldn't get too wrinkled, like T had taught me. The anger came back. It's been two weeks of silence - nothing from him, doesn't answer when I call, doesn't call back, no response to e-mails. It's not like I'm stalking him or leaving sad sack messages. I just would like to hear from him that he's okay and what exactly is going on. It does not settle with me to be told how much he cares for me and then two hours later be cut out of his life. "Sweetheart, I'll call you back in fifteen minutes...." If nothing else, it is extremely disrespectful to leave anyone hanging. Doesn't matter. I wrote my letter. One of letting go and release. No more. Burn.

 Let go. Let go. Let go.
Release. Release. Release.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

mum's no longer the word

I never listen to the radio except when I'm in the car. And when J is riding along we listen to her music almost exclusively. While on my own, I've been catching bits and pieces of a song that I love love love by a band with a great great great sound - with a banjo, too! Unfortunately, I haven't been able to catch either the song title or the artist. Today that changed. Yay!!! On my 6 hour turnaround driving my Mom to her home and then coming back to mine alone, I finally heard both. The group is Mumford & Sons (I know. Where have I been? Apparently, they're nominated for two grammies!) Their debut song is Little Lion Man. Love the whole cd.

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep Little Lion Man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems
That you made in your own head
Little Lion Man
Mumford & Sons

see and hear them perform Little Lion Man here

Now I'm off to lounge on the sofa for the rest of the night. Probably tomorrow too. J and I are both sick. She with nausea and fevers; me with bad throat and ears - agony to swallow and can't talk above a whisper. Have to say, people around here are kind of happy about the last part...

Friday, February 11, 2011

love ever after

concrete paradise

Woke up with this song in my head...

Well, don't it always seem to go
That you don't know what you got 'til it's gone
They paved paradise to put up a parking lot
Big Yellow Taxi
Joni Mitchell

hear Joni here
hear Counting Crows here

Thursday, February 10, 2011

not just a river in Egypt

"It's always very difficult to accept the truth about people.
Especially about people that we love. Denying it doesn't make it go away."
CSI All That Cremains

The Universe is a strange and awesome place...I have been feeling especially sad for the last three days over T missing from my life. It seems I miss him more now that he is gone than wanted him when he was around. Absence truly makes the heart grow fonder - probably because the object of affection isn't around to irritate you.

I did get in touch with him three days after he cut contact. I asked if this was his way of ending our relationship. He insisted no, no, no. He had family things to deal with and was feeling lost and trying to mend. Don't know exactly what that means, but it sounds like something one might say to get someone off your back who you didn't want to hurt. Although I don't see any purpose in outright denying the relationship was over. So for the past week-and-a-half, I haven't known what to think. Do I move on or hang on? Back and forth. Back and forth. Angry and sad. Angry and sad. Back and forth. I just want to know where he's at in his head. For some reason I need closure from him to move on. I don't know why. It's not like it would ever be okay to have someone in my life (or potentially in my daughter's) that would just disappear without word or warning. For whatever reason, I just can't let go. I've always hated good-byes, but I would at least like the chance to say it...

I've received a trio of messages (maybe more) from the big U about the situation. We get messages all the time - most of which we ignore or miss.

A few days ago I was browsing through blogs and felt like I needed to check out the AstroTwins. I only read them occassionally and haven't in a while. For some reason I went all the way to the website and read my monthly horoscope. Then I read T's. Why? I read this in his monthly horoscope:

" will take your mind off that ex who’s crept back into your consciousness (or your bed) recently."

The day before yesterday, for the first time in a couple of months, I received a text message from bb's "other" girlfriend. Again, accusing me of harboring him and keeping them apart. I texted back, "no see. no hear. no care." And, happily, realized I really don't care anymore. The text, however, left me feeling raw. It reminded me of how hurt I felt over the whole situation. And, it reminded me about the situation - that I had no idea (or rather, refused to admit to myself) that there was "another" girlfriend.

Tonight, I checked out the Le Love blog. The writer was a very young woman. I was amazed at her resilience and wisdom. Her story was about how she had fallen in love and he suddenly disappeared. No phone, no email, no nothing. She ran into him on the street a while after and he passed her by without acknowledgment. She was confused over the whole situation. Then, a short time later she saw him again - with his pregnant girlfriend. She had no idea there was anyone else in his life.

It finally hit me. I wrote T an email but then thought, why? I've been writing emails and he never answers them. So, I called. Of course, he didn't answer. (This was the guy who always said, you can call me anytime. I always have my phone next to me.) I left a message. Essentially saying, please just let me know what's going on. If there's someone else, just tell me. If you don't want to be friends anymore, just tell me. Just tell me...I realize the answer is obvious, yet I still want to hear it. I doubt very much I'll hear back.

Why do I feel so sad over missing someone who would treat me this way? I know I deserve better. No one deserves it.

I just can't trust myself anymore. Have I always been so clueless about people?

From the Le Love post:

"Now, I am fine. I decided that if he doesn't want me in his life, then I don't need him in my world as well. First I wanted to forget about him, but then I decided that I will keep the wonderful moments we had locked up in my heart. When I need it, I will unlock them and remember what we used to have, but then I will keep them locked up nice and safe in my heart again and never think about him. "

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


I've been away
From home for so long
That I almost forgot where I belong

I'm just a girl
With a dream
That got the best of me
Got out of touch
With the ones who gave me my wings
To fly To fly

It's so easy to forget
What really matters in this life
It's so hard to live with regrets
But I promise I will try
To be a better me
Just a Girl
Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus)

lace on the beach

I wish she would come and decorate my beach.
Oak Beach Street  Art, Baltic Sea

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


*** I have weighed whether to post this and wavered in my decision to do so. It is extremely personal and very unflattering - to myself. One of the reasons I began this blog was to leave a record of who I am - my struggles and joys - for my precious daughter. Life is fleeting and unpredictable, I would like her to know me someday as the woman I am, I was, and I am becoming - not just as "Mommy." Here it goes...


Warning: lots of words ahead.

I have only been back in the "dating" game since last summer or so. Before that the island was the sole province of my mind - of course, it still is. When I opened the beaches - to new people who would hopefully bring new experiences and a renewed sense of being alive - I really didn't know what to expect. I have changed so much in the past few years and became much more rigid in other ways. I hoped for friendship. I hoped for love, even. I expected to interact with others in a respectful, compassionate, honest, and heart-centered way. That is the way I live my life. Hmmm. Maybe that's one of the reasons I end up alone so much - it's much safer that way. My expectations certainly have not been met. In the past few months of opening to possibility in the social world, I have been beaten down and wisened up. Interestingly there have been no new friendships. The only persons who have approached the island have been men interested in relationship, but not friendship. Each of those men have been - forgive me for this judgment - emotionally damaged in some way. Some had histories of imprisonment, drug use, addictions, abusive childhoods, extreme stress, and more. One conned and stole from me and my family... Each one that I formed a relationship with - however casual - left me. And, each left suddenly and without a word as to why.

bb - When I dropped him off to get his car after we had just returned from a week long trip to Kentucky, "I'll be over tomorrow night, Babe."
r - An email about a cooking pot.
dw - Called me after he got home after spending the day together. "I had the greatest time! Can't wait to do it again. I'll call you tomorrow when I have my work schedule and we'll figure out when we can meet up this week."
m - After exchanging very friendly and detailed emails at least daily for weeks:  "....Headed to bed right now though, so will reply tomorrow....Have a great night!! :) TTYS"
t - After seriously dating for a month, "Sweetheart, I'm on long-distance right now. Let me call you right back. Fifteen minutes at the most."

I never heard again from any of them.

I have to question what is wrong with me. What is wrong with me that I am attracting men who act like this? What is wrong with me that I feel sad not to hear from them again? Why am I not furious over being treated this way, instead of questioning my own worth? Why am I allowing this?

I have been thinking about my past relationships and dating history. Never before has anyone treated me this way. Most relationships, I ended - always trying to be compassionate and respectful. Those I didn't, I was always treated decently - even if the situation was painful.

Have people changed that much? Is society so fast-paced that we can't even take the time to say "Good bye" to each other? What happened to kindness and courtesy?

Short answer. Energy-based answer. The only thing that has changed is me. I have forgotten who I am. I no longer feel connected to my own power. There's a saying: water meets its own level.

A few weeks ago, I visited a very dear friend in her art studio to take photos of her incredible space. We have only recently reconnected after having our friendship damaged by another. My friend uses facebook as her main communication tool. I just don't get facebook. While taking photos we were talking about it and she commented, "What do you mean you don't get facebook? How have you forgotten how brilliant you are?" I just stared at her. She was right - not that I was ever "brilliant" - but I am different now.

I was at the top of my class in college, studying structural engineering at one of the most challenging schools in the state. I have always moved quickly up at every job I've ever held. I do not shy from challenging situations. When I decided to change toward the direction of a much more spiritual based life, I reconnected strongly with Nature and the Earth, effectively communicating with animals and in fact with anything energy-based - including those that have passed on, utilizing shamanic journeying and drumming. I have had out-of-body experiences - no, I have never used drugs, not once in my life. I have faced my past, my fears, and embraced gratitude as a way of life. I have survived and thrived after emotionally abusive relationships - the earliest with my father, the latest with my daughter's father.

And I can't get facebook...And now I only attract men who disrespect me. This is very difficult to actually write knowing it will be in the world forever, but bb described me to his "other" girlfriend as "just some fat, weak-minded bitch he used for the money." (Seems to me he could have found someone else with a lot more money. I live to the bone. Of course, after all he took from me, even the bone is broke.)

I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten what I am capable of. I have lost my connection to Earth and Spirit and to my own soul. I have lost whatever sense of self-respect I ever had.

I long for harmony. I long for companionship. I long for purpose. I long for love.

If I am ever to have these things, I have to deserve them...I have to recognize that I do deserve them. Not a simple task. Honestly, I've been skating for so long, I don't know that I am up to it.

Monday, February 7, 2011

the world

The world of Raley's - that is...
On the way home today from a picnic-at-the-playground excursion, J, Grandma, and I stopped to pick up cat litter - litter is not something we ever want to run low on at our house. Happened to walk down the cosmetics aisle on the way to check out and noticed the world captured by Maybelline - with shimmer, no less.

Tired of waiting for me to snap photos with my iPhone, J decided to try out some fashion accessories.

And more...a family photo...


"All the privilege I claim for my own sex
(it is not a very enviable one: you need not covet it),
is that of loving longest, when existence or when hope is gone."
Jane Austen

Why is it that we often don't know how special and precious something is until it's gone.