history

*** I have weighed whether to post this and wavered in my decision to do so. It is extremely personal and very unflattering - to myself. One of the reasons I began this blog was to leave a record of who I am - my struggles and joys - for my precious daughter. Life is fleeting and unpredictable, I would like her to know me someday as the woman I am, I was, and I am becoming - not just as "Mommy." Here it goes...

  



Warning: lots of words ahead.

I have only been back in the "dating" game since last summer or so. Before that the island was the sole province of my mind - of course, it still is. When I opened the beaches - to new people who would hopefully bring new experiences and a renewed sense of being alive - I really didn't know what to expect. I have changed so much in the past few years and became much more rigid in other ways. I hoped for friendship. I hoped for love, even. I expected to interact with others in a respectful, compassionate, honest, and heart-centered way. That is the way I live my life. Hmmm. Maybe that's one of the reasons I end up alone so much - it's much safer that way. My expectations certainly have not been met. In the past few months of opening to possibility in the social world, I have been beaten down and wisened up. Interestingly there have been no new friendships. The only persons who have approached the island have been men interested in relationship, but not friendship. Each of those men have been - forgive me for this judgment - emotionally damaged in some way. Some had histories of imprisonment, drug use, addictions, abusive childhoods, extreme stress, and more. One conned and stole from me and my family... Each one that I formed a relationship with - however casual - left me. And, each left suddenly and without a word as to why.

bb - When I dropped him off to get his car after we had just returned from a week long trip to Kentucky, "I'll be over tomorrow night, Babe."
r - An email about a cooking pot.
dw - Called me after he got home after spending the day together. "I had the greatest time! Can't wait to do it again. I'll call you tomorrow when I have my work schedule and we'll figure out when we can meet up this week."
m - After exchanging very friendly and detailed emails at least daily for weeks:  "....Headed to bed right now though, so will reply tomorrow....Have a great night!! :) TTYS"
t - After seriously dating for a month, "Sweetheart, I'm on long-distance right now. Let me call you right back. Fifteen minutes at the most."

I never heard again from any of them.

I have to question what is wrong with me. What is wrong with me that I am attracting men who act like this? What is wrong with me that I feel sad not to hear from them again? Why am I not furious over being treated this way, instead of questioning my own worth? Why am I allowing this?

I have been thinking about my past relationships and dating history. Never before has anyone treated me this way. Most relationships, I ended - always trying to be compassionate and respectful. Those I didn't, I was always treated decently - even if the situation was painful.

Have people changed that much? Is society so fast-paced that we can't even take the time to say "Good bye" to each other? What happened to kindness and courtesy?

Short answer. Energy-based answer. The only thing that has changed is me. I have forgotten who I am. I no longer feel connected to my own power. There's a saying: water meets its own level.

A few weeks ago, I visited a very dear friend in her art studio to take photos of her incredible space. We have only recently reconnected after having our friendship damaged by another. My friend uses facebook as her main communication tool. I just don't get facebook. While taking photos we were talking about it and she commented, "What do you mean you don't get facebook? How have you forgotten how brilliant you are?" I just stared at her. She was right - not that I was ever "brilliant" - but I am different now.

I was at the top of my class in college, studying structural engineering at one of the most challenging schools in the state. I have always moved quickly up at every job I've ever held. I do not shy from challenging situations. When I decided to change toward the direction of a much more spiritual based life, I reconnected strongly with Nature and the Earth, effectively communicating with animals and in fact with anything energy-based - including those that have passed on, utilizing shamanic journeying and drumming. I have had out-of-body experiences - no, I have never used drugs, not once in my life. I have faced my past, my fears, and embraced gratitude as a way of life. I have survived and thrived after emotionally abusive relationships - the earliest with my father, the latest with my daughter's father.

And I can't get facebook...And now I only attract men who disrespect me. This is very difficult to actually write knowing it will be in the world forever, but bb described me to his "other" girlfriend as "just some fat, weak-minded bitch he used for the money." (Seems to me he could have found someone else with a lot more money. I live to the bone. Of course, after all he took from me, even the bone is broke.)

I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten what I am capable of. I have lost my connection to Earth and Spirit and to my own soul. I have lost whatever sense of self-respect I ever had.

I long for harmony. I long for companionship. I long for purpose. I long for love.

If I am ever to have these things, I have to deserve them...I have to recognize that I do deserve them. Not a simple task. Honestly, I've been skating for so long, I don't know that I am up to it.