Tuesday, February 15, 2011

what shall we call this day

A day of ups and downs and all arounds.

As I am writing this, J is fussing and fuming and whining because "I can't get comfortable." Oh, but you have to hear her tone. Aaaagh. And, of course, what comes next is how its all my fault, etc etc etc. Did I mention she spent the last three days with her dad and grandmother? She's just an overtired little girl.

This morning I slept till 11:30(!!!). I'd had a rough night - both physically and emotionally. Not sure which was worse. I feel like I'm going through a cleansing. When I went out back this morning to feed Graycee, the wind was blowing and building. It lifted my arms like wings. I could hear the birds calling to me to fly. I could feel Mother Earth holding me, anchoring me, grounding me. I heard the chants of the ancients, of the grandmothers, channeling through me. I felt connected, empowered and clear. I asked for J's guides and angels  - no manipulation - to protect her from evil and help her see the truth. I asked my guides to show me the solutions to either keeping this home or finding another better, the solutions to my financial challenges, to ground me in self-love and self-respect. This or better - for my highest good, for J's highest good, for the highest good of all, and for the highest good of the Universe. Ho. Aho. So be it.

I have been seeing signs all day - probably missing most. I'm not sure what they all add up to.
I have a portable fire pit in the backyard that I bought quite a while ago with the intention of using it when bb was here during winter quarters. I have never had a chance to use it. Made of terra cotta, it is supposed to be protected from extreme elements and water. To protect it I took apart the box it came in and laid the cardboard pieces over it. There are five or six layers of carboard heavy with water atop the pit. We have had fierce storms and other than the top piece slipping, the pit has remained covered. This morning all the cardboard was off the fire pit. All of it. Spread along side of it. I didn't have my usual raccoon visitors last night so I can't blame them. What does it mean?
As I was staring at the uncovered fire pit, I noticed the rambling rose by the fence was suddenly almost to the fire pit. Suddenly, because it wasn't even near the patio two days ago. What does it mean?
As J and I were driving through town, five white doves suddenly flew up and away. White doves. What does it mean?
Both Graycee and White Fluffy Love escaped their confines today. Graycee from the cat-fenced back yard (he's FIV+ so must be kept from other cats) and WFL from the house. What does it mean?

The wind was joined by rain this afternoon, the skies are stormy, the almond trees are blossoming, the birds and the squirrels are active, the cats are fighting with each other...something is brewing...

In other news, Valentine's Day sucked. I was sick and couldn't be at J's Kindergarten party or even with J all day. She stayed with her dad. They went out to dinner while I sat here sick and hungry because there was no food in the house. Very early Monday morning - like at 3am - I drove into town and then walked around my neighborhood here putting red roses under car wipers and at doors of friends and neighbors. Anonymously. I was sick. Wandering around in the cold didn't help make me better. Oh, and how I don't want to admit this...I put a rose under the wiper of a certain someone who hasn't treated me very nicely and I have supposedly let go of. Yes, T. Well, friends, I make my own misery. I'm certain he knew it was from me and no, I haven't heard from him. I guess that pretty much says it all. If your "boyfriend" doesn't even acknowledge you on Valentine's Day - no matter what else might be going on in his life - it's pretty sure that not only is he not your "boyfriend," he doesn't care one thing about you or your feelings. Should that come as a surprise to me? No. So why am I a little surprised? Like I wrote, I make my own misery.

I hope those that received the roses felt thought of and special. That was my intention. Now, to be petty, that would be how I felt. Had a received flowers, or a card, or an email, or anything from anyone. Not one person wished me a Happy Valentine's Day! Oh, waagh. Poor me! I said it was petty... You have to believe you deserve attention to receive it...

It is official...the island is shut down for renovation. The beaches are closed. I have mined the bays.

drawn by J in early 2010

Oh, wait, the thing about not receiving any valentines is not actually true...J made me a card and a huge painting. How I love that girl. I couldn't dream of a better valentine than her. I am so blessed. I wish I didn't forget that so often.

Nevertheless, the island is still closed...

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