Saturday, February 19, 2011

never say never

You may have noticed there haven't been many personal posts in the last few days. Personal posts will continue to be few - for a while, at least. It's not that I don't have anything to post - I have lots. Lots. My old friend/nemesis is back - the blues, the beast, the big D - depression. I've battled it and embraced it at different times of my life. It is a gift in many ways. It is an incredible challenge. I have had some of the most vivid insights and creative visions during times I have been under its control. Sadly, I usually don't have the strength to do anything about these insights and by the time "happy" is back, I have forgotten. It is impossible for me to hold both states at the same time.

It has been with me since the day I was born. As a child my father, brother, and sister repeatedly called me a cry-baby. My mother called me a pill. It comes. I do my work to try to find center. It eventually goes. I know that now. As a child and teen, I thought I was insane. In my twenties I spent every moment trying to appear "normal" lest someone figure out I was crazy and lock me away. It wasn't until I almost did the irreversible in my early thirties that I was labeled - I mean, diagnosed.

I feel its weight first in my shoulders and eyelids and, of course, my heart. Then it takes over my body and every thought - waking or not. I'm okay. There's been a lot happening lately to challenge my spirit - uncertainty over my living situation, financial challenges, escalating and seemingly never-ending demands and restrictions from my daughter's father, health concerns, and the loss of T. I will survive and thrive. That's one thing about aging, what once seemed like forever eventually is seen as but a short time in your life.

I am very blessed. I know it. Depression isn't about lack of gratitude but rather twisted self-perspective and lack of hope. Until I am centered again, I choose to focus on beauty. That is what my posts will be. Then I'll share it all with you!!!

Until then, I would like to share a clipping from some unremembered magazine. I have had it with me for 15 years or longer - either posted on the fridge or inspiration board, or carried in my purse. To all those fortunate ones who have never been visited by the big D and to those who aren't in its throes anymore and may have forgotten what it is like, here is a list of things NEVER to say to someone who is depressed:

"Pull yourself up by the bootstraps."
"I was really depressed once and I just [pick one]...had an affair...sent myself some my legs waxed...ran a marathon...went to a spa...bought a convertible...stopped eating refined sugar...signed up for a class."
"Believe more in God, pray..."
"Everyone is a wimp these days. It's mind over matter."
"Think about someone else for a change."
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself."
"Just give it time. You'll get over it."
"I know exactly how you feel..."
"Snap out of it."

and my personal most hated comment:

"There are others with bigger problems than you."
(That just always makes me feel worse.
 I know my problems are miniscule compared to what some others have to deal with.
It breaks my heart that others are in even greater pain than I am.)

Be well.

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