purrrrrrr

If I can't have a tipi for myself...I've found one for my cats. Yes, my cats.

Cat Teepee by Loyal Luxe

available here and here

dear J

My Dearest J -

My hope is that someday when you are older and better able to accept the decisions that were made on your behalf that you might read this and understand. From the moment I realized I was pregnant with you, every choice I have made in my life, you were - and are - my first consideration. I love you with all my heart and more. There are going to be huge changes in both our lives this year. Neither one of us is going to be overly pleased with any of them. I am embattled right now - trying to save our home and our relationship. I fear I have already lost the battle of keeping our home. We will have to trust that your father makes the right decisions about it in the future so that your inheritance is protected. And, so, I must find us another home. One where we will be safe and happy. One where we can keep our precious menagierie. One where you can play and look forward to coming back to. One in which every move of mine is not watched and judged. One in which the constant threat of being kicked out if I don't comply with ever changing and escalating demands does not hang over my head. One in which I can be a good mother to you and not a fearful one. One which I can afford.... I have loved this little house as much as you have, my sweet. Perhaps more. Neither of us will be happy when forced to move.

As for our relationship...I just hope that in your precious five-year-old heart that you can continue to trust me as you always have. Even when you overhear that I am untrustworthy. You are my first consideration - always. The immediate choice I am making to comply with controlling and even cruel demands will make me miserable, in the least. But it is what I must do to provide us a home until I can find another. And it is what I must do to keep the decision of who you will be with and when out of the hands of the court. You are not going to understand what is happening around you right now. You may never understand. You may never forgive either of your parents. I hope that is not the case. We both love you sooooo much. We just have never been able to agree on how best to raise you. I doubt that will ever change. And, of course, there is the issue of retribution and punishment directed toward me - that most unfortunately cannot help but affect you - because I cannot love your father the way he wants. None of what is happening has anything to do with you, precious one. It is only very imperfect adults living very imperfect lives.

My wish for you has always and will always remain the same - that you may become whoever you are. My goal has been to provide a safe space - not just a physical one - for you to find out who that is. That is still my goal and every choice of mine is a reflection of that purpose.

I love you, dear girl. I will do anything for you.

Your imperfect, but loving mother

J - a few minutes old

wonderland

"One can't believe impossible things," Alice said.

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen.

"When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day.

Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six

impossible things before breakfast."

Lewis Carroll

Through the Looking Glass

choice

A soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.
~Johann von Goethe ~



sweet

Yesterday, maybe the day before...days are running together lately...I was having a very icky day. The day wasn't really icky, just me. I was feeling icky. A good friend tried to turn things around for me and brought me a beautiful red rose. Very sweet. Thank you, dear friend.

By the way, the fluff of white in the background is White Fluffy Love sharing the window sill with the rose. Happily, she has quite settled in to our household. Although, just before this photo was taken, she was quite dismayed by the presence of an intruder (the rose) in her space.

fantastic

I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world

Life in plastic, it's fantastic.

You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere.

Imagination, life is your creation.

Barbie Girl

Aqua

See and hear it here.

nevertheless

I hate you, Mommy. You will never be in my heart. I miss Daddy. I love Daddy, not you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Nevertheless...you will brush your teeth and wash your face.
Nevertheless...you will go to bed.
Nevertheless...you will get up when Mommy says so on school days.
Nevertheless...you will not drink chocolate milk exclusively.
Nevertheless...you may not have dessert instead of dinner.
Nevertheless...you will hold my hand crossing streets and in parking lots.
Nevertheless...you will not throw balls in the house.
Nevertheless...you will go to the bathroom before we leave.
Nevertheless...you will not eat McDonald's hamburgers everyday.
Nevertheless...you will go to school.
Nevertheless...you will not ignore me when I am speaking to you.
Nevertheless...you may not hit me.
Nevertheless...although you may feel however you do, it is hurtful and unacceptable to say to anyone "I hate you."
Nevertheless....

Nevertheless...you will always be in my heart whether we are near or far apart.
Nevertheless...I love you.
Nevertheless...I will always love you.

Although, I suppose it will be fair for you to hate me when you are older and see the photograph I posted.

one

Buddha in Garden

from gratefulness.org -

Stillness within one individual can affect society beyond measure.

Bede Griffiths

first dance

J had her first ballet class today. She was joyful, exuberant, and focused. 

I feel so fortunate to be her mother. I am so grateful to have her as my teacher.

full moon in cancer

shaman's drum

I so miss the full moon drumming circles. I sometimes drum by myself, but the cat's don't like the sound and it just doesn't feel right. Sometimes J and I drum and dance together - that feels very right.

The full moon is in Cancer. Read what the AstroTwins have to say about it here.

Merry meet...Blessed be...

self evident

up and then crashing down

No photo today. No nothing. I tried to tie up loose ends today. I attempted to step into my own power and live authentically and with integrity. I made amends where I had been inconsiderate. I spoke my truth honestly and hopefully kindly to a couple of others who I felt treated me unfairly. I tried to settle things with my landlord and ex - who are one in the same person. We still have no formal parenting agreement and now he's demanding more in terms of the house...it doesn't matter....

The truth is I have offered friendship and been rejected. I have offered love and been rejected. I have offered my art and been rejected. I have offered compromise and been rejected and attacked and belittled.

What is wrong with me...

calling me

I long for a tipi. I want one for myself and to share with J and our friends. I have a friend who designed and built a ceremonial tipi - you can see it behind the paint horse in the photo in this post and the above photo is a detail of the interior. Until health problems prevented her from doing so, she held goddess celebrations in it on the full moon of each month. We drummed and passed the talking stick and held ritual, ending each gathering with the song Merry Meet. J asks me to sing the chorus every night before kissing her "sweet dreams."

May the circle be open but unbroken

May the love of Spirit be ever in our hearts

Merry meet and merry part

And merry meet again...

I don't know if I would hold ritual and celebration in it - although I suspect if I had a tipi, I wouldn't be able to keep it to myself! I want to look out my window and see it. I want to furnish it with native-inspired rugs and blankets and cozy chairs. I want to have morning tea in it - or rather morning coffee, since I really don't like tea. I try, but I just don't. I want to sleep in it and meditate in it and lounge in it and play in it and live in it.

Do I have a Native past life that makes this all seem so attractive and necessary? Or is it just the structure is so pure and beautiful? Or do I just want a tipi?

Blessed be...

xmas card revisited

I know. I know. The holidays are over. Too bad...

As part of the Brooklyn Bride Xmas card exchange, I was supposed to create an original holiday card to send to five others. I started out with these from Cost Plus World Market:

The idea was to photograph J holding either a single ornament or holding all of them in her cupped hands. Or to photograph the ornaments on a bare branch against a blue sky. Or... See, I had a really definite vision.

On the day I was to create the photograph...First - J was with her dad. Second - bb suddenly reappeared, supposedly stranded and in need of a ride and place to stay. And, oh yeah, he still considered himself my "boyfriend" - whatever that meant. Third - I had a date with a seemingly great guy who turned out to be a white supremist. But, that's another story best saved for my biography which will never be written, because, frankly, who cares! And it was raining. Drama, drama, drama! The photo with J was never created.

I hadn't given up on the photo with the ducky ornaments though and I started imagining hanging them on a wire structure or laying them on ??? Again, I had a definite vision. With my "vision" in mind, I went to a local plant and gift store, The Plant Barn, brimming with treasures. I brought my camera with me to capture inspiration. I didn't find that inspiration, but I did find quite a bit of beauty.

When I came across the green peace sign, I couldn't just settle for the one photo. Yes, I carried around a big green peace sign I had not purchased, staging and photographing it around the nursery...

Every Xmas season, The Plant Barn has a magnificent poinsettia room with poinsettias (obviously), and many other gifty things.

I never found what I sought for the Xmas card photo, but I couldn't leave empty handed - especially when they let me wander around for I don't know how long taking photographs. Below are my treasures:

Oh, in case you missed it...the card I ended up sending had a posterized version of the Fire Buddha photo on it.

joy

Joy helping me fold laundry...

rambling

This was me earlier tonight. Don't quite know what is wrong with me today. I got a knife in the heart the evening before last and spent the entire night crying and wandering around this little house I love so much that I thought I was going to lose. Some of that situation has been resolved, but I still don't feel quite right - like my chakras are blown out. I slept for 11 hours last night, was up for a few, then took a nap that ended up lasting 6 hours. Would have been longer but a friend kept incessantly calling and finally woke me up. Thank you, friend. Tonight, I've tried to work, but can't concentrate. Actually watched tv. Well, that only lasted an hour. Then back to the computer. There is a perfect Portuguese word for how I'm feeling. I've tried looking it up online to no avail and my mother is long since asleep so I can't call and ask her how to spell it.

I am feeling very disappointed in quite a few people - mostly for not following through on their words. Then, of course, I have to admit to myself that to feel disappointed I had to make a judgment - my greatest fault, being judgmental. I try so hard to let it all wash through me. It is a constant struggle. Of course, when I really look at it, I have to also admit that the very actions I am disappointed in others for are ones I practice way to often. How many times have I said I would call and didn't, write and didn't, keep in touch and didn't, promised to remain friends forever and didn't. It always comes back.

Tomorrow is pajama and pancakes day at J's kindergarten. They learn a different letter each week. This is "P" week! I will be there in pajamas, helping out, and taking photos. I really do love my little life. I wish I didn't forget that so often.

funky me

Hate my photo. Always. Needed an avatar. What to do???

I feel like a caricature of myself most of the time, so thought maybe a cartoon would be appropriate. Googled "cartoon from photo" and found quite a few sites who will do that for free. Free is good. Had way to much fun with it. And, yes, spent way too much time on it. My favorite site turned out to be Befunky. I uploaded this photo:

Played around the site and created the following possibilities:

Now, which one will I choose???

gandhi and the internet

I was browsing through some of my favorite blogs - searching for beauty and inspiration and mostly distraction. Came across this, which seemed very appropriate for a day such as 1/11/11.

I try to always give appropriate credit for any images or words I post that aren't my own. Trying to do so for this image resulted in quite a journey on the information highway!

Found the image on Erin Ever After, via Simple Blueprint, via Not Your Average Ordinary, via Mary Ruffle, via Abby Sharp, via Alfie, via Dream Every Day, via Josh Solar, via Bits of Love and Sunshine. Unfortunately, the link to Bits of Love and Sunshine was broken and I couldn't follow the trail anymore. Luckily, somewhere along the way, was a link to the creator: Idea-Obscura who also has made the 11x17 poster available as a pdf download! She was originally inspired by this.

It has become a very small world indeed.

Happy 1/11/11 and Happy Every Day!

faded

Okay. Today the bad guys won. I give.
You beat me. You pummeled me. You broke me.
Congratulations.

Look out for tomorrow...

perfectly poetic

I was wandering around the web tonight, not doing what I "should" have been doing, and came across these magnificent shoes. I am in love. I have struggled with myself all evening over whether to buy them or not.

There's a devil on one shoulder - "yes! of course! buy the shoes! they would make you sooooo happy! think of how good you'll feel when you wear them - sexy, powerful, beautiful! you have the money in your account right now!" (Apparently, my devil only makes exclamatory statements!)

And the angel on the other shoulder - "yes, dear, they are beautiful shoes. yes, you would love to have and wear them. but, dear, can we really afford them? think of how horrible you will feel when you can't feed your daughter or the cats because of a pair of shoes. and, really, dear, where will you ever wear a pair of glittery platform pumps? really, dear, no."

damn.

Poetic Licence

Perfectly Lovely Pump

in green, cherry, black, and hardwood

here and here

devil close behind

I'm gonna steal a silver stallion
With not a mark upon his silky hide
Teach him he can trust me like a sister,
One day we'll saddle up and ride

And we're gonna ride, we're gonna ride
Ride like the one eyed jack of diamonds

With the devil close behind
We're gonna ride, we're gonna ride

I'm gonna find me a reckless man,
Razor blades and dice in his eyes
Just a touch of sadness in his fingers,
Thunder and lightening in his thighs

And we're gonna ride, we're gonna ride
Ride like the one eyed jack of diamonds

With the devil close behind
We're gonna ride, we're gonna ride

I'm gonna chase the sky forever,
With the man and the stallion and the wind
The sun is gonna burn into a cinder,
Before we ever pass this way again

And we're gonna ride, we're gonna ride
Ride like the one eyed jack of diamonds

With the devil close behind
We're gonna ride, we're gonna ride

Silver Stallion

Clayton, Lee

Cat Power sings it here.

gimme

So, today...today...

This morning I took one of the rescue kitties to the vet to be spayed. She's already six months old. There is no more putting it off. When I returned home, I checked my account balance just to be sure all was okay...it was not okay. Someone - I'm not saying I know who - has been using my debit card number online. This person has been using it a lot. I am very, very overdrawn. I canceled my card and will have to wait for a new one. I scrambled to come up for the money for the vet and to buy lunch for my girl (I watched). At the moment, there is no more. Three-and-a-half weeks to go in January. It's time to hustle for some money. And, no, I don't mean in the street sense. Will it never end...

Maybe, I need a bird like the one above. Maybe, I need a miracle.

Okay. Look for the gift. I have a home, health, a perfect daughter, a lovely little life. I will find a way. I always do. Simplify. There are many pleasures in life that don't require money. The Universe will provide...Is anyone really believing this? The question is, do I?

i want to live here, please

Another house I would love to live in - minus the snow, please.
Described as a modest modernist cabin in the woods, designed by Stockholm architects PS Arkitektur. here

Simple and beautiful.

the ride

Day before yesterday:
general ickiness - rejection as redirection.
trip with J to the pet store to investigate the possiblity of adding turtles to our menagerie.
encounter with a European Hamster left me unsettled (more on that another day).

Yesterday:
slept in late with J.
wonderful morning playing, reading, and cuddling with her until she had to go to her dad's. Then missed her like crazy.
presented with temptation, made a moral choice I feel very good with. Little pat on the back to me.
delightful online banter (slightly racy) with a very charming - and handsome - man.
on my way into town, passed three riders on horses and a few blocks later a man on a Harley. Realized how much I miss both horses and motorcycles. Need both in my life again (not at the same time, please.)
while waiting to pick up a pizza, met Sven - a very gentle and kind man who wanted nothing more than friendly conversation. We spoke of children and aging and choices. A very pleasant conversation. A true gift of an encounter.
lovely and fun dinner with a very good friend.

Today:
slept late (how I love school vacation!)
while transferring photos from my computer's stuffed hard drive to an external hard drive, I started looking through old files and realized I have gems buried in "not enough time." I am so excited and can't wait to start unearthing the treasures. So far, have done nothing else today except look through raw photos!

Because posts are always better with pictures, below are three horsey photos that have never seen the light of day and the only motorcycle photos I could find.