peace, or something like it

My precious J loves going to church. It doesn't matter what church, any church will do. It started with my mother. Whenever she visits she attends Sunday mass at the Catholic church on the corner. Last year, J asked to start going with her. She also attends her Dad's and other grandmother's community church on their weekends. And now, she expects to go to the Catholic church with me whether my mother is visiting or not. This is neither here nor there. I fully support her curiosity and journey. All this is just to explain why I was at church last Sunday.

At one point in the gospel, Jesus asked two of his soon-to-be apostles what it was they wanted. During his sermon, the priest asked the congregation what each of us would answer if Jesus asked us the same question. Immediately, peace popped into my mind. No hesitation. No question. But...then I thought is that what I truly want? I always say I am seeking peace, yet my life is full of drama and quite often I am right in the middle of it. I could lead a very peaceful life if I truly led a spiritual life far removed from my current life - like a lama, or a devotee. Curiously, when I was a teenager this now very New Agey spiritualist was a devout Catholic intent on becoming a nun. Yes, me, a nun! Luckily, before I entered that path, I was graced with the wisdom to know I was not becoming a nun out of love for or devotion to God, but rather to escape life. Repeatedly in my life, I have tried to escape only to realize I really wanted to live this life. I'm positive it is my journey to live it. So do I really want peace? Is peace just a knee-jerk reaction for me to questions of this sort. Isn't this a question one should answer before they set a course? Until I can answer the question, how do I know which path to follow? Do I have any idea what I really want? Is it just me or do any of us know the answer to that question? Really?

stained glass window

at the Community Church, Durham