naturally

Few delights can equal the mere presence

of one whom we trust utterly.

George MacDonald

Cindy, photos taken October 2010

My most precious niece, Cindy, has been visiting these past few days. She came to visit even though I was sick and it was raining. We hung out on the sofa, watching crime shows - NCIS, Criminal Minds, Law & Order: Criminal Intent - during the day and Adult Swim and Futurama at night. We were a little more active when J was around, but not much. We talked and laughed and cried. Mostly we were just together.

We have a very special bond. One truly of unconditional love. There is nothing she could say or do and I would love her less. And the same goes for me. Thus, there is never any reason to pretend things are okay when they're not or not to revel in the joy when things are going well. I wish I could say for us, it is more often the latter, but sadly that's not the case.

She left this morning. I'm alone again.

I remember as a child, teen, and in my twenties, lying balled up on the floor sobbing and asking my mother, "Why am I always alone? Why doesn't anyone like me?" My mother would answer, "It's going to be okay. Someday you'll grow into yourself and things will be different." I believed her. It still makes me a little angry. It wasn't said with any basis of conviction but only to make me feel hope. Futile hope. Sometimes I still ask her those questions. Now she answers, "Oh, I don't know why. You're such a loving person, but some people are alone and always will be. I guess you're just one of them." At least, she's honest now. I really could use a little of that hope. I am so blessed to have my precious daughter, my beloved furry friends, my mother, and my niece. I am grateful. Truly. My daughter and cats, I care for. My mother, I protect. My niece has her own life. At the end of the day, it is always just me - with no one to talk to, no one to listen to, and no one to lean on. Just me. And I'm not enough.