Monday, May 7, 2012

monday madness or things I'm afraid to tell you

There’s a revolution happening in the blog world. Many are feeling frustration between reality and “reality” as presented on blogs. People are tired of hearing about perfect lives, seeing perfect homes, and feeling bad about their own. After reading an article by Jess Constable, Ez at Creature Comforts, along with other bloggers, has created the challenge to share “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.”

I’ve struggled with how open about myself to be on this blog. The early posts were raw and real. I want to live honestly. I’ve stopped sharing the nitty gritty, though, figuring who cares? Now, more often than not on the blog, I focus on beauty and gratitude, because that is how I live my life – always looking for the beauty and the gift. While that is true for my life, the flip side is not pretty or easy.

I can share my art. I can share stories of my daughter. I can share stories of the animals. I can share what touches my soul. I haven’t shared what touches my everyday life.

So, in honor of the bloggers who have bared their souls, I will bare my everyday life to you – and will continue to do so in bits and pieces as I find the courage.

Who am I? In the eyes of the world I am a complete and utter failure. I have never succeeded at anything. I am financially insolvent with huge debt that hangs over my head. I don’t have a “real” job. I am supported by photography work, the sale of photos and also stitchery patterns, public assistance (how I haaaate to admit that), and my extremely generous and kind mother. I am overweight – which has been causing health problems – and at an age no longer considered prime – whatever that means. Every day, to some degree, I deal with depression. Some days I am fully functional. Other days I use every bit of energy I have to mother my daughter and care for our animals. I was born depressed. It wasn’t diagnosed until my early thirties when I almost killed myself. My house is a mess. I dread the possibility of someone dropping by. Oh, and I am well on my way to being the crazy cat lady who lives down the street.

Please, don’t get me wrong. I am not an unhappy or resentful person. I am extremely grateful for everything in my life and everything I lack. I firmly believe that when we give something up, we gain something in return. I am incredibly blessed. The Universe has never failed to take care of me – through my mother, through friends, through the government, through miracles. I strive to be financially solvent and self-sufficient. I accept what I need. Humbly – and honestly, with shame. I am extremely spiritual, though not religious. I believe my journey has a purpose – though I’ve yet to discover it! I try to walk gently upon the Earth and live simply and with gratitude. In my heart, I am just who I am.

Thank you for reading this. If you’ve gotten this far, kudos to you! It is so much easier to be real than to pretend. Thank you.

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